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i have no bucket list, i dont even have a bucket

Sunday, September 14, 2014

I guess I have taken a short break from SP, without even really intending to.
I didnt realize it had been 4 days since I last blogged. Actually have taken a short break from most social media. I went thru my FB list and unfriended about 20 more people the other day.

I hardly speak to these people, I never see them post anything. If I were to run into them in the flesh, they wouldnt speak to me, some of them probably wouldnt even nod hello.
I had done the same thing here on SP about a year ago. But SP is different to me. Most everyone here is here for some kind of support, diet, exercise, depression, whatever the issue, we are all mostly here to find other like minded people who we can get support from, or give support to.
To social network ideas about living better.
Facebook is more about spying, lying, embellishing ones self importance and wonderful life.

So, I am to go back to the ortho tomorrow over my foot and I am going to keep the appointment, although I dont really think there is anything he can do in his capacity as a doctor.
The issue is more nerve---neuropathy, but I still have no idea where it is coming from and if there is even anyway to find out.
I am learning to conform to the issue, and I am walking alot more the last two weeks.
Walking is the one thing that keeps me sane.

I have to admit friends that the last week or two I have fallen deeper into depression, the thoughts of winter coming has really been weighing heavily on my mind.
I am just dreading it more this year than I ever have before. Probably because of my current location and how it is so much farther to drive to get to the main highway and I know the roadways are going to be harder.
The fact that it has rained here I cannot even count the number of days, it would probably be easier to remember the one day in the last 7 to 10 days when we actually had sunshine.
I have been inside most of the time, walking in between bouts of rain showers and sitting inside mostly watching rain pouring.
This dampness, darkness and dreariness really describes my mood and my heart.

I was prescribed a stronger dose of my Wellbutrin, but I hate drugs and I hate the way it makes me feel.
I keep telling myself this is just something I have to accept and I wont be able to move before next spring or summer. But that is what I WILL do, move back out of this back country which I hate with a passion and back to what I call society.
I dont think I will be able to stay in the other location due to the mold issue.
But I am looking, looking every day that I go out to town, looking for a place for sale.
I have to move as much for my physical health as my mental health.

I have never been as depressed or down hearted about anything in my life as I am about where I currently live.
I havent even put any pictures on the walls, I have nothing here in this place that make it feel like a home.
The walls are bare, beige and boring and depressing. But the thoughs of hanging family photos, or putting my own personal touches into it, makes it seem to real for me.
Too permanent, all my personal belongings are in the other place, which is where I want to be.
Honey wont agree to renovate that place because he says its too old and will cost too much.
But what is it costing me???

But for the time being I am trying to make the most of it.
Working out and really trying to stay at the walking track as much as I can before the really bad weather does arrive.
Reading more. Trying to keep busy and occupied.
My one friend suggests I do crafts, one friend suggests I get a job and one friend suggest I have an affair, lol.
Maybe I can find a way to do all three, lol, just kidding.
But it would be nice to have a job, it would be nice to find something that helps me stay socialized, I am so far removed from everyone.

A lady I know recently obtained her motorcycle license at the age of 60 and plans to buy herself a trike style motorcylce.
She said this is one thing off her bucket list.
That got me to thinking, what would I put on a bucket list.
I sat here about 20 minutes last night thinking and I could not come up with even one thing.
Not ONE thing I would put on a bucket list. MOVING!!!

I had to ask myself, isnt there anything that you really want out of life? a goal?

Maybe lose another 80 lbs.
Maybe get a breast reduction surgery.
Maybe stop having foot issues.
But those arent really bucket list things.
I guess there is only one that occurred to me, to see the Rolling Stones in concert.
Well thats one. MOVING!!!!

Well come to think of it, I guess moving is my bucket list.
and right now that is the only thing on there but it is the only thing I really want and need.
Maybe once I get that scratched off my list, It will clear my mind up to new possibilities.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    It really is all overwhelming. Living in s place where you don't feel comfortable and the mold issues are terrible. Hopefully, it will all get sorted out. You could try volunteering. Maybe the local library. There are just enough people around to make it seem social and little enough not to overwhelm you.

    Maybe trying another medication for depression would help. Some people respond well to meds and others don't. Sometimes, finding the right one is just a matter of trial and error.

    As for your bucket list, what about traveling, skiing, seeing the ocean, writing a fun story, learning to drive a stick shift, trying some strange exotic food, going to a concert that you may not think you will enjoy but you could actually end up enjoying it, learning to knit or play an instrument, visiting a different state or country, buying makeup that's a little too expensive, hiking a mountain trail, going to a safari, watching a movie or reading a book you have always wanted to watch or read but never have, dancing in the rain, singing a song so loud without caring how you sound or if all your neighbors or everyone in traffic hears you, finding 5 traits you think are awesome about you and conquering a fear, such as a fear of heights. What about taking a cooking class or to save money,trying a recipe that sounds interesting. Visiting a planetarium or aquarium, trying a new lipstick color, parasailing, zip lining, etc. I think deep down, there are things you want to do but anxiety and depression can cloud your visions!

    Good luck with everything! :)
    2227 days ago
  • GORDON66
    I've seen Metallica and Ozzy Osbourn in concert. I'm sure the Stones would kick butt.

    Feel better!!!

    2234 days ago
    I've been thinking about starting my bucket list lately. Someone at work was talking about crossing things off, and I haven't even written mine down. No time like today.

    I'm sorry you are feeling down. Depression and medication are nothing to fool around with (RIP Robin Williams) Bring some nature into your home, like flowers, candles and music, all can help with your mood.

    I hope you get some good news at your ortho tomorrow.
    2235 days ago
  • FATSOO51
    emoticon emoticon I have some idea how you feel. I also take meds for depression. The meds by themselves won't put you where you want to be...I mean the frame of mind....although they do help alot.
    I would move! This is Your life so take things into your own hands and do something about it. Imagine how you will feel :)
    Life is to short to be doing what other people want/think you should do.

    All the best to you!

    2235 days ago
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