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Admitting my fear

Monday, October 06, 2014

Earlier this year I went to the doctor, doing a 3 month visit as usual, and with their new computer system they have a way of going back over several years and being able to view my A1C. I noticed a strong decline in control EVERY October for the past several years. Now, at that moment it hit me it was wrestling season that starts then, and my middle son put his life into that with me supporting him and bearing all the stress so it did not shock me that my A1C was very high then.
Well, it is obviously October, and this year is different. My son who wrestled is now in college and the same stresses are not there anymore. But I can not help but feel I am going to have the same issue as all other years. May to July I went 100% to better myself. And since then I have between 80%-98%. I know I am not perfect, shouldn't be perfect and can not be perfect. Maybe I am just being too hard on myself. But in all honesty, I always have room for improvement. That is just being honest to myself.
Today my oldest son called asking me to come over for lunch. So being mom, I went happily. Last night he brought over watermelon and he told me he had another at his place. So I thought that would be something he served. But it wasn't. Now, what I am about to say isn't criticism it is me having the mind frame that I NEED to eat right. He had made peanut butter and jelly on wheat and had yogurt and sweet peach tea already plated up ready for me. That was so sweet of him and I ate the food but skipped the tea. I feel guilty about that sandwich. It wasn't chocolate covered caramel potato chips or anything horribly bad for me, but I am strict on myself. I do bring things over for him to keep there if I do visit. I know this is what he can afford since he just moved in and was being sweet. And I accept that. I just need to get over being so strict with myself ALL the time and realize this is ok for me when I know I don't eat it all the time.
Some of you may read this and roll your eyes thinking it is just PBJ. But for me and my body chemistry, it really throws my body into a haywire tailspin for my blood sugar. I have to be strict in order to have the numbers on my side with my health.
I did casually talk to him about things that throw me off. Offered to bring meat and fruits and veggies over. I brought him some hot tea to make. I think he gets it. And I believe I succeeded in a way of tactfully handling the situation. I in no way made him feel that what he made wasn't good enough. Because that is not how I feel at all! He could feed me dog food and I would joke with him about it but be, if that is all you can afford I am honored you would share it with me. Dog food is obviously an exaggeration, but hopefully everyone knows what I mean.
So, instead of waiting until tomorrow, I wrote my blog tonight because it weighs heavily on my mind. I want so badly to have great numbers again at my doctor appointment in November. And I know I could be and should be doing better. Holding myself accountable! Self discipline is hard for me when it comes to food and exercise. I struggle. I get mad sometimes that I have to work so hard and sometimes I can't control my health anyway. Anyone with diabetes knows that they say you can control it, but really you can't. You can do everything right and still be off. You CAN help yourself be healthier! And that is all I can do. That is what I strive for. Reality and real self control together are the key.
Ok, that's off my chest. Got a headache today/tonight and looking forward to bed.
Hopefully I will be more uplifted in the morning. emoticon emoticon
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