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A better day

Tuesday, October 07, 2014

I was pretty upset with myself last night. I have decided to forgive myself and not put myself in the position to be mad at what I did or didn't do again. So, today I did my morning routine, did some extra dishes I had and decided to make some home made bread. I had the challenge of not going to the store until Friday this week so buying bread for my son's lunch sammies is out of the question. SO I decided it had been long enough since I made yeast bread from scratch. It was just what I needed to work some things out. I made the dough and put the pans aside to rise. I put the work in and the patience and the end result will be a beautiful loaf of bread that will help my son. I took this process and thought about it in my own life. All of which I already knew. But making it a simple thought of point A to point B clicked something in me.
I have been sleeping great the past couple nights. I love it! I got on my bike and rode an hour and decided I would tell my doctor my fear of this time of year when I see him. He is very supportive and positive and I know it will be ok. I am still learning to be ok with myself even if I am not doing everything right or if I am doing it all right and things don't change.
Man, is it hard to shake this "nothing is ever good enough" thing that was instilled in me as a kid. Growing up, nothing I did was ever good enough for my parents. It always made me feel bad. I know I live my life in a good way and I love myself. That is why I am taking this year to start figuring out what I can do that I never thought I could do. Exercise is a huge one on that. I know I wont make my initial goal of exercising every day. But I have exercised for most of those days. And that I am very proud of. My eating has gotten quite a bit better too. I always knew how to eat, but I love the goodies. It is a weakness.
I just had a thought! My son got invited to trick or treat with another friend this year. It would have been the first year we would have trick or treated alone. I was somewhat heavy hearted about that. And a little...oh now I wont have my son to trick or treat. But! It is good he does this with his friend since his brothers have moved out. And now I realize it is good for me too! No candy in the house! We always had fun dressing up as a family and going trick or treat. People would even take our pictures! We get into it. But this year...I guess we will really dress our son up and just hang out while he is having fun.
That's another thing! Maybe others out there can husband and I are beginning to be alone together more, just us. Now, I was pregnant at 19, married by 20, divorced by 21, pregnant again by 24 and married again by 24. I moved out at 18 and focused on career and a man that was no good for me. I have never been on my own by myself, I have never just been on my own with a partner except for this time. I went from kid to mom. So this is all new for me. VERY FOREIGN! My husband spent 4 years in Germany in the US Army and was able to be a young adult by himself, so he is kind of acquainted with no kids around. But me, never. I like it, and am not as lonely as I thought it would be. My oldest tends to check on me a lot, my middle son is in his own world which I like cuz he isn't here pushing my buttons and he is figuring himself out, and my youngest son is at the age where he is finding his own likes and dislikes and tends to love spending time in the room we made just for him. Things are good. VERY different but good. I did my job. And I must have done ok with it because everyone is healthy and happy and safe. Now is my turn.
Get up! Get up! and continue on...focusing on me, my health and my happiness.
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