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Bad night for me >: (

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

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Ok. Tonight I had forgotten we were supposed to go to my son's house for dinner. We had a nice time but I was SOOOO BAD!!! Huge helping of stroganoff 2 buns and ugh I hate to admit this but 3 pieces of cookies and cream cake. And the sad part is I washed it all down with 2 large glasses of diet pepsi. I am so embarrassed to be honest on here and admit it. I am mad at myself especially for making a point to recognize I need to work on my self control when all that just went swiftly out the window without a thought! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!

Part of me feels like I am sabotaging myself on purpose. I do this, I know it is a horrible habit I have. I have a doctor appointment in a couple weeks that could clear me for at least a half a year! Instead of 3 month checks I would be allowed to go every 6 months instead if it all goes well. Oh the guilt. Oh the shame. WHY do I do this to myself. Why can't I just be good to myself??? I want to lose weight, I want to be happier, I want to be healthier, I want to do it all right and have it treat me right in return. I was doing so well even with slip ups. And tonight I went completely no rules! UGH.

I am allowing myself to feel these feelings and beat myself up in hopes tomorrow will be a new day that will light my fire to more than compensate for this mistake. The fire to set myself straight again. WAKE MYSELF UP ! Sigh.........

Hating myself right at this moment. BUT! I WILL forgive myself overnight and try, try again! I make mistakes to learn, to grow, to understand better what I must do. I make mistakes to relish the good decisions more.

I shake my head at myself and look down just disgusted in my choices tonight. But I also know I do have the drive in me to beat this whole self control problem. I am struggling and fighting it so hard. It really swallowed me whole tonight! But tomorrow I will take it one minute at a time and beat this demon! I wont let it have me like it has! I am going to steak out videos to work out to, make menus for my week, and speak to my husband and ask for his support. I have an article set aside to read to him to refresh his memory of the diabetic education we have taken together. It breaks down carb intake in a more understandable way so he can understand he may be sabotaging me unknowingly. And it will help him understand how to better help me stay on track.

. emoticon I can't think of a good reason I did this. All that comes to mind is " OHHHHH YUMMMMMM!" Naughty me, I know better. But what's done is done, I can't change what I did only what I do in the future. And I completely intend on changing the future for the better! One minute at a time! Because a day is just too big for me to tackle right now at one time. But I CAN get through each day by focusing on each and every moment. emoticon emoticon
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