As we learn and deal with the death of my uncle I am dealing with my immediate family more than usual. I am realizing eating unhealthy is a coping mechanism for dealing with them.
I love them and would do anything for them. I do realize I am the black sheep of the family though and am looked down upon and judged for any and everything I say or do. For some reason my family has trouble accepting me for me. I am not exactly what they wanted me to grow up into but I am a good person. I have a good heart. I have good morals. I treat people well because that is how I would want to be treated. I give more of myself to them than I get from them. But to me, this is what is right for me to do.
I just got off the phone with my brother after a good 1-2 hour phone call. It was a good call. We are mending our relationship. He is getting help and realizing the things he has done to me are unacceptable and he is realizing why and that he wants forgiveness for them. I am open to him now after several hard years. I am not perfect to him either. It is feeling more comfortable speaking on the phone. But tensions are still there underneath deep down. I am no longer angry with him. But trust is still being rebuilt. I guess my guard is slightly up yet. But we are in a better place than we have been. I think when he lets go of the guilt of the past and believes I forgive him and am there for him, then we will be where I hope to be.
I am probably going off on a tangent but I bring this all up because I am currently realizing I have an overwhelming feeling that I am having issues fighting off that I want to consume everything I shouldn't. Major trigger issues!!!! I used to drink, drug, smoke to make it all go away. Make myself numb so I wouldn't feel anything. I quit that several years ago after struggling many years. I turned to food. Food was always there for me. Always comforted me. I was in control of food. Until it became the one that controlled me. It didn't make everything go away or numb me like the other addictions did but I could sit down with chips and ice cream and eat my feelings. Burn that energy eating the anger or sadness or anxiety I was feeling.
Tonight. I have been dealing with my father and brother. Both men that have not been the kindest to me to put it lightly. And although I have let go of my anger and I think most of my anxiety, the sadness of my uncles news and unpredictability of my father and brother has me on edge. Right this moment they are fine but while I am physically around them this month will the switch flip? When will it flip? How bad will it flip? I do my best to think positive but I also am very in touch with reality and know them.
I need to be around them for my own needs. So I am choosing to do that for myself. But the price that comes along with it that I may or may not be able to control is ... eating what I should not or how I should not and their unpredictable behavior. Both are not good for me. Both are toxic. But sometimes you have to go through something toxic to better yourself and that is what I am willing to do because I see the light on the other side of this month.
I make sure to tell myself...go...but you can always come back and THAT you have control of!
I know I am strong, and able to fight off these urges and use what I have learned to control them and not let them control me.
So my plan for the rest of tonight...
crystal light lemon aid
an apple slice with peanut butter
heart and kidney meds
prayers and bed.
I will make it through tonight and tomorrow the sun will shine even if the clouds are out.