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Made the best of my circumstances

Monday, November 10, 2014

Well we are back from a whirl wind trip. 5 states in 24 hours I believe is a record for me. 14 hours down to my cousins, 6-7 hours to my parents and brother, 9 hours back to home. I had the idea of taking a slight side trip to my folks and brothers city and breaking up our trip some. And to visit my ma and nephew and niece since they didn't go south to the funeral. I am glad I did that.

Mom told me several times I looked great, that I really made some progress. I told her thanks that I was working hard. One thing that was done that we never did before was, the drive back from the funeral we switched and rotated drivers a couple times on the way to my folks. I rode with my brother some of the way, my father some of the way. There was NEVER a pause in conversation between me and them. No cross words or judgments that weren't able to be handled. ( I did get lectured at 11 pm when I got to the hotel by my father and the hotel owner for booking online. And paying twice as much than if I had called and booked, which I did call but the person on the other side of the line was unable to have a conversation with me for whatever reason. Dad was paying my bill when I walked in. I paid him back so he couldn't be angry with me about the cost). I got to say, this is the first time EVER in my life my father or brother have taken an interest in anything I had to say. I felt valued. I had convos with my brother about many things. He seemed genuinely interested in my thoughts and view points. I had convos with my father about health and what I know. He told my husband, not around me, that he was in shock how educated I was and he was completely impressed by that. I wasn't trying to impress him, just have a conversation. I told my father I have never spoken to him so much in my life. He has never spoken to me so much in my life. It was nice to feel "normal" as a family instead of someone they hate being around. I am not like them. I view things opposite usually. I am beginning to get my hopes up that they have changed, but that scares me to do. I even though on the way home of buying my brother a plane ticket to visit me sometime. He has never visited me. My parents haven't visited me for ...oh gosh....almost 10 years and when they did mom would talk to me but dad would leave and I would never see him. Mom can't make the trips anymore but dad can and my brother can. They travel the world effortlessly.
My brother tried to pick a fight with me Saturday after the funeral in from of everyone. I just looked at him and told him he was trying to fight and to stop it. He was off his medication and the mania was starting to creep in and I could tell. Sunday he wasn't nice and the brother I had grown up with. He made my mom mad with the things he was saying. HE thought it was funny and ended up leaving and not following through with what he promised my folks. I called him when I got home since my folks hadn't heard or seen from him and he wasn't responding to anyone. He ended up answering and I could tell he was sleeping. Says he went to bed at 5. He was probably exhausted from the mood swings he was having and crashing from the mania he has. I am not sure why he didn't take his meds on the trip to stay level. I can tell he is much much worse as he gets older. He is bigger than I have ever seen him. My folks are worried, feel he doesn't care. I did speak to my brother about how I was helping myself and he was impressed and wished he could do that. I told him that he can! It takes commitment and determination. It takes rearranging his priorities in life and realizing what is actually satisfying in life. He just said he wished he could. I think he is really battling his mania and depression. And he wants to be nice and happy but he is struggling to find what works. I feel for him and wish I had the magic potion to help but I don't. All I can do is reassure him that I am here for him, love him and believe in him. I do have to admit he is in the most unhealthy place that I have ever seen him.
I was so happy to see my cousins and my aunt. I hugged them all over and over. Made sure to tell them I loved them and how much they meant to me and how I would do anything for them. I met my cousins husband and thanked him for being so supportive to her because she deserved it, she has had to be so strong. I was happy to see she finally had someone to lean on and that was so special. He teared up and so did she. He seemed like such an amazing man to her. She has had to be such a rock for her family all her life. I truly am amazed by her and her mamma.
I could go on for so long talking out my thoughts on here. But I have a day to start and my son to call in as absent to school today. The weekend has caught up with him and he isn't feeling well and sad. I told him I would allow today but he has to go tomorrow. This weekend couldn't have went any better. For that I am thankful and blessed. It was so foreign to me to have my brother and dad treat me with respect and interest. I absorbed all I could because I don't know if it will happen again. I let my brother's negative actions and comments roll off my back and just was thankful for all I got to experience.
I am glad I got to go. May God help my brother for I am concerned of him too. And may peace and freedom come to my aunt, cousins and father for the passing of my uncle. He is with his parents in heaven and not struggling to get through life anymore. I love my cousins and auntie more than the world. Always have...always will.
Despite gas station and truck stop food I did pretty darn good. I only put a pound on. I didn't get to drink as much water as I wanted based on time and events but I did my best and that is all I can do. I am proud of the decisions I made and proud of the strength I had and shared with others. Today will be spent allowing myself to reflect, feel, rest and hydrate. Tomorrow will be a new day and a new beginning to pick life up where I left off.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    This seemed like an amazing, enlightening, and exhausting trip! But I'm glad you have alot to take away from it. I hope your brother gets better. I know "better" with mental illness is not always "cured," but it's a start. Take care, dear!
    2348 days ago
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