Ok today I choose to pull myself up and focus on life around me and be present in it. But first I want to write this down so I can look back on it one day.
I told my mom at breakfast Sunday about my struggle with drugs in the past. I forget why it was on the table for discussion, I believe I had been open with my brother about it earlier and for some reason we were talking about him and his needs and struggles and somehow I got linked into it. But she just looked at me and told me she loved me and said she was happy and proud of me for being able to conquer it on my own. That our family on both sides has addiction problems. And it can be very hard to beat. I told her I struggle every day. Mind you, I can not or do not feel comfortable telling my father because he would believe I still am in the bad place and will be forever. Even though I am not. But I do struggle daily with the addictions I used to give in to. I am proud of myself and surprise myself everyday with the strength I am able to generate to fight those demons. I almost lapsed during this trip on the way down but decided "NO!" I wont fall into that pit on this trip. I am slowly opening up to my family. I am slowly letting them see the things they are so greatly against and if they continue to push me away, then I am used to that. But I figure why not test the waters and see if they are in a place now that they can accept me and my faults. All my life they have not been in that place. Thanks mom for being supportive.
Ok, onto present thoughts. Today I WILL exercise. Weight is creeping up, energy is severely down and I am struggling badly with that. The grey weather is bogging me down and I am willing to fight that feeling. I can't recall if I blogged about thinking to buy a treadmill. I have had 2 in the past that my husband broke from overuse and that is ok. But I was debating to buy a manual one or electric one. There are so many to choose from. I have had 2 manual ones in the past. I liked them. It just popped into my mind that when I go to my folks for Thanksgiving that they have an electric treadmill. I wont be there long, one whole day 2 part days. But I think I will make a point to analyze what I like and don't like about theirs. I have only used electric ones at the gym or hotels. I liked the ones at the gym but not the ones at the hotels. Not sure why but am thinking the length of the platform that moves may be it. The gyms have longer ones and the hotels have shorter ones. I think I struggle more on the hotel ones and am able to get up to a run on the gym ones. I can run on manual ones too. So that is a thought I will keep tucked away to check on.
My son is back in school today. He skipped yesterday due to being sad. I took him for a day of cheering up. And talked to him about his feelings and it was ok to feel the way he was but he shouldn't let it take over his life. Told him that each day that passes will get easier and to think of things that make him smile inside. He was sad today but something as simple as a sim baby on my tablet got him giggling so that helped.
I got news that all three of my sons will be traveling with us to my folks for Thanksgiving! I am so happy and excited about that! My oldest house sat for us while we went on this past trip and used my inside bike and bar bells. I am glad he did. I am happy to see he is working to better himself. I am thinking about getting him a piece of workout equipment for him for Christmas.
While we were out yesterday my youngest and I thought up a prank to pull on my oldest son. OOOO it is a doozie! We do that in my family. Prank each other and see who can get each other best. This one is in the beginning stages and should be pulled off by April fools or around there. His birthday is the day before that so we will most likely be at his apartment and it will give us a chance to set it up. Wont try to push him in the direction of the prank...just let him find it on his own. Hubby was impressed with the idea lol.
I am gonna miss black Friday this year again. I love the competition and chaos of that day. To me it is fun! Maybe another year. It is important to be with family as much as I am able to while we are able to. And that trumps shopping. Besides there is always Cyber Monday!!! ha ha.
New year is almost here and I am feeling better physically and so happy about that. I have lost weight, got my A1c managed and my blood pressure down. I am more at peace inside and less angry and able to handle the emotions I feel by keeping my stress level down. I have adopted exercise and liking it into my life. I have practiced self control and succeeded at it. I have come a very long way this year. I couldn't be much happier but there is always room for improvement.
Right now, today my focus is shaking myself out of this heavy eyed, weighed down feeling by in taking water, getting back onto my eating plan, and putting in some heavy exercise. It is raining now, supposed to snow today. Then rain again lol. Ah grey sky I wont let you keep me down!
One week until fasting blood draw. Two weeks until med check. Building confidence and hoping I can be allowed to check in every 6 months instead of every 3. These last 3-4 months have been hard. And I have given in many times but I wont give up. Never EVER give up. No matter how many slips you have. NEVER EVER give up!