Wednesday, November 12, 2014
I have come to the conclusion that my biggest issue is to sabotage myself when things are going right in my life. It is just an overwhelming urge to ruin anything around me before I get disappointed. I am really struggling with this badly right now. Have been for a few months but right now is the worst. I think the blood draw next week is triggering it. I don't want to sabotage myself. Man, I have to break this habit and break it hard!
I am in the thick of it. It is the worst this week than ever. I have hunger like you wouldn't believe but I know I am not hungry. I believe it is my brain trying to get me to do bad things. I find myself sitting and focusing on saying "no" to the bad things so hard it is difficult for me to get up and exercise. That tells me I am really struggling with this. One fight at a time I tell myself. Fight the urges, fight the bad food, fight the laziness, fight the pain. I know I can do it, and have been doing it since May. But this time I am really having trouble fighting them all together.
I am trying to win, I really am. It IS trying to consume me in a bad way. I pray one day it will be easier. And I know deep down it will be. I have been pulling out all my weapons against this war but I am barely making it through. I tell myself that even if the news isn't great, that I have made great strides forward and no one can take that from me. I just got to try harder. I am determined to win this war. I am determined to be stronger than this is.
Inside my little voice says "please help me!" Outside I say "I wont let this win!"