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Wednesday, November 12, 2014

I have come to the conclusion that my biggest issue is to sabotage myself when things are going right in my life. It is just an overwhelming urge to ruin anything around me before I get disappointed. I am really struggling with this badly right now. Have been for a few months but right now is the worst. I think the blood draw next week is triggering it. I don't want to sabotage myself. Man, I have to break this habit and break it hard!

I am in the thick of it. It is the worst this week than ever. I have hunger like you wouldn't believe but I know I am not hungry. I believe it is my brain trying to get me to do bad things. I find myself sitting and focusing on saying "no" to the bad things so hard it is difficult for me to get up and exercise. That tells me I am really struggling with this. One fight at a time I tell myself. Fight the urges, fight the bad food, fight the laziness, fight the pain. I know I can do it, and have been doing it since May. But this time I am really having trouble fighting them all together.

I am trying to win, I really am. It IS trying to consume me in a bad way. I pray one day it will be easier. And I know deep down it will be. I have been pulling out all my weapons against this war but I am barely making it through. I tell myself that even if the news isn't great, that I have made great strides forward and no one can take that from me. I just got to try harder. I am determined to win this war. I am determined to be stronger than this is.

Inside my little voice says "please help me!" Outside I say "I wont let this win!"
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Those negative impulses are SO hard to fight. That is probably the reason most of us are here...we spend a lot of time NOT resisting in without a fight. In my experience this year, I had some great initial success, which was motivating and uplifting. Then the old impulses crept back in... At first I reacted with strength... but they began to wear me down. The fight got so much harder.

    Its like a bad boyfriend. You know the relationship is not good for try to kick him to the curb...but he is super hard to quit. You don't know why you let him drag you down for temporary and intermittent "rewards." Once you finally rid yourself of bad boy, you hold your head higher, walk lighter and see the potential in the world. You wonder why you wasted so much time...

    We can do it. We will do it.

    emoticon emoticon
    2346 days ago
    Man, you and I have had some of the same experiences. Just this year, I realized that I had been sabotaging myself with every pound lost. But, once I realized that, there seemed to be a choice for me, which I hadn't had (or thought I hadn't had) before: I could choose to make an effort to recognize the feelings that made me want to fall into the unhealthy patterns, or I could go into autopilot mode and keep ruining my successes. I didn't know I was afraid of what losing weight meant for me. Once I started losing, I was afraid I would end up failing again, so I made myself fail before it actually happened, if that makes sense.

    You have an awesome awareness about the path you've been on! It will definitely take some time to fight the urges. But one day, you'll be faced with the choice to sit and veg or get up and move, and it'll click "I choose to move. I choose to eat better. I'm doing this for me!" I know you can do this, Kate. I believe in you. Always will :)
    2346 days ago
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