2015 is finally the year I commit to myself.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
I decided on a New Years Resolution this year. I never make them because I know majority of them get forgotten about within the month. This one took some careful thought, planning and getting rid of some guilt. Guilt is a very powerful thing especially when it comes to your family whether it be kids, spouse, parents, siblings, cousins, etc. For the last few years I spent so much time on my children and family that I completely gave up on myself. I felt guilty if I took time away from the kids or my spouse. I felt guilty for not being the daughter that my parents wanted me to be. I felt guilty for living in apartments instead of a house. I felt guilty for being me. I felt guilty for not being around my parents. I felt guilty for not being the person they wanted me to be. I felt guilty if I did something for myself.
I truly believed that I didn't deserve to be happy, healthy, or take care of myself. I grew up for so many years being told that I was fat, not good enough, not tall enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, didn't make enough money, etc. I spent 30+ years of people telling me this and after so many years you believe it, internalize it. In 2008 when I joined this site I had broken out of that mold. I had finally stood up to my dad and stepmom and left their abuse. I stood up for myself and they quit talking to me and my daughter who was 5 at the time. I lost 60+ pounds in 6 months and managed to keep it off until I got pregnant 2 years later. only gained 28 pounds, lost 22 of it after having my son. He is my 3rd child. I lost the weight when I had my 2nd daughter in 2008. Then I got on the depo shot, gained 12 lbs in 3 days and ever since then I had trouble losing weight. And then after so long, I gave up again. I figured what was the use? Why try so hard if it wasn't going to do any good? Truth was, i didn't try very hard. Truth is, I didn't care anymore about myself. I had gotten into a rut and couldn't love myself like i should have.
Fast forward, last year I had a procedure done called Essure. It is permanent birth control. It took 9 long months to finally get cleared that I was okay and the tubes were blocked. I was able to get off the depo shot and I was like yes I can now start losing weight. NOOOOpe. I started gaining weight. my hormones were so out of wack trying to get back to normal. My body was fighting itself. And then I still did not try to lose weight. I just let it build up and kept denying it. I would just wear bigger clothes and lie to myself.
And then last summer, I had gotten my credit score up high enough to be able to buy a house. It was the most stressful thing I have ever had to go through. I have never been on such an emotional roller coaster ride in my life. I gained more weight. And then we moved into our lovely house and I walked. I half heartedly tried to get back into it. no go.
Now, fast forward to December. I have hit rock bottom. I was sick of myself, my life and my attitude. I decided that 2015 was going to be the year that I take care of myself. That I would learn to love myself again. That I would do things that made me happy. That I would make working out a priority. I would make myself come first. And I told my family. I told them that I had to start to take care of myself if I was going to live long enough to take care of them and be there for them. I was 41 years old and a blobby mess. So, I started working out, rejoined sp, joined a book club last night through my kids school. I am getting a treadmill and a fitbit once I get my tax money - I have already told my family that these purchases will come first before anything else. Usually I buy them what they want and then if there is any left over, I will (most of the time I don;t) spend it on myself. I have been wanting a treadmill for a long time. I couldn't bring myself to spend the money on myself. Sad. I let so many people in my life affect how I felt about myself. I let people dictate and make me feel bad if I loved myself. Why did I give these people so much power over me? Why did I let them wreck me? I think because growing up being abused for so long all my life, you internalize their messages and it is supremely hard to get over it. To get past those negative voices in your head? It feels impossible at times.
In any event, this will be my year. This is the year I say yes to many things if it helps me, makes me feel good or things I have always wanted to do.