BTWIMKEE
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2015:Depression

Sunday, February 01, 2015

The last time I posted on the Spark was back in July. Work and school seemed to consume my life and every free moment was spent finding sleep or preparing for both. I was happy that I was getting through school and actually enjoying my courses and I was blessed to have a job in this economy. I should be appreciative. I should be humble. I was both, beyond what anyone could think or imagine.

But I was also sad.

I was working at a part time job on a college campus in sales/retail. I loved the environment and I adored the students but I was starting to feel drained by the simple concepts made extremely complex. I didn’t want to push sales anymore; I wanted to counsel students and oversee projects. I went into this job in 2013 with the mindset that in six months another position will open up on the campus and I can transition in… Nope. What I didn’t realize is that a job can be advertised as “open to the public” but behind the scenes already have a name associated with the title. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster… *smh* After a year and four months of pushing sales and working retail a job opened up at a local community college and after reading the description I knew it would be perfect for me.

So I applied and waited… And waited…

And then finally I got a call one day while I was at work… to come in for an interview that same day…while I was at work… *scratches head* I went into work that morning at 8am and got off at around 3pm. I checked my voicemails at 3:01pm and after hearing the request at 8:45am to come in for an interview at 11:00am that same day knew that the behind the scenes name associated with title had happened all over again. I called and emailed the person who requested the interview only to learn minutes later that yes the position had been filled…

*deep sigh*

But they had a part time position open and if I was interested they would schedule an interview. I was annoyed but after learning that I would be doing the same thing as the fulltime position decided to go in for the interview. Weeks later I was offered the job and as of today I’ve been there 3 months and 5 days. So far the job is okay and I like the interaction I have with students more so than at the other college but I still feel like I’m supposed to be doing way more than what I am.

Ever felt unfulfilled?

I decided to take this semester off school wise because I’m in a fog. I know what I want to do, on a good day I do, but I’m not sure if I’m going about it the right way. I am currently a graduate student studying community and college counseling. My program is entirely online and in shorter blocks of time than a normal semester in a traditional classroom setting would be. I was sold told that this would be better because I could finish my degree faster and move into my career of choice a lot quicker than at most schools. The courses and curriculum seemed to be in line with other brick and mortar schools I researched so I gave in and applied/enrolled/started. I’m not sure if you’re aware but graduate school is about triple the cost of undergraduate school. One of my courses (and I’ve only taken three so far) is close to $3,000. That’s one class in case I forgot to mention that. And from what I’ve experienced with these courses there “self taught” meaning you teach yourself and you do the so many number papers included. When I needed assistance with clarification of topics or requesting a time to call/Skype to go over certain things I got a reply back the day before that assignment I requested help for was due. After a rough but somewhat of a successful semester (two B’s) I decided that I needed to rethink this education thing and revisit it again hopefully by next fall. It’s a good move for my bank account but it sets me back from the goals I set for myself for finishing and entering into a new career…

Ever feel like the more steps you take further the more steps you get dragged back?

*deeper sigh*

In an older post I blogged about my current living situation from bugs to lizards to people not being concerned about neither. I’m still at the same place and the only thing working in my favor is that it’s cold and every creature is hibernating *looks around room before ending this sentence*. I envisioned by this time being somewhere different… Why? Because the full time job and the dent put into graduate work would elevate my position job wise and get me somewhere a little better than a basement. But since people hire from within and people sell fail to tell college dreams I’m stuck in the same place.

All this has triggered my emotional eating and “eating because it’s there” to start back up. I started this journey on SP at 382 and I am currently 354. At one point I made it to 335 but since the creatures, the jobs and the classes have occurred that number has been a thing of the past.

So I walked into 2015 blessed, humble and depressed. Don’t get me wrong I know things could be worse and I know I may be focusing on the wrong things now but when you plan so hard and pray so fervently for doors to open and ways to be made and you’re back where you are before…well that can sting.

I don’t have any set specific goals for 2015 other than to lose weight and find myself, truly, through all this. Two things I really need.

Positive thoughts ahead spark loves.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JITZUROE
    Beautifully honest. Thank you for that. Sharing your struggles is not an easy thing to do, but it can help you on that road back to healing emotionally.
    You seem to have come up against hurdle after hurdle (AUGH!), but I am hopeful that things will blend together better soon.
    I'm also scratching my head about that interview request. Maybe that one just wasn't for you, and an even better job is about to become available soon? Yes!!!!

    Keep going girlie. Don't stop. Ever!

    Hugs,
    Bren
    1886 days ago
  • PIMPINELLAN50
    Best wishes to you! emoticon
    1887 days ago
  • STAY39
    I'll pray some new doors will open for you this year! Keep pushing and stay focused! emoticon
    1887 days ago
  • SWEETNEEY
    Listen to yourself and believe in your self and you will do what's right for you.
    1887 days ago
  • BLKLILY
    I am earning my 2nd master's online in counseling as well and it can be very time consuming. I took my break last summer and it really helped a lot. It did push my goals back, but I needed that break. I am down to my last 2 courses before starting my practicum this summer.

    We are only competing with myself when it comes to time. Get the mental and physical break you need. Do not be your own worst enemy!

    emoticon
    1888 days ago
  • MSMAKEOVER
    I can relate and understand. You have my support. Wishing you the best 2015.
    1888 days ago
  • no profile photo CD14402600
    Sounds like taking a break would be a good thing for you. I didn't know that school was so expensive!! Wow! Hope you can take the time to think about what it is you want to accomplish and set up a plan succeed. Getting more free time might help you to focus so you can get back to finishing your schooling. Most of all put yourself and your health first!!!
    1888 days ago
  • CLEANGELLIEBEAN
    Just keep your head up and keep pushing forward
    1888 days ago
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