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Thursday, February 19, 2015

I have known that I emotional eat for many years. I also over eat. Over the last year I have come to realize that I eat when I am angry and when I feel cast aside or feel not listened to by people who matter to me.
I have been doing that again. I am going to do my best to have today be the last day I let that feeling swallow me up. I have communicated my feelings with those who are involved and made them know I am having trouble. That I need their help to not do this. I am not blaming them, but actions involving them have triggered me. And it isn't even bad triggers so I am guessing things run much deeper than I allowed myself to admit.
I recall being in my last doctor's office and crying, after she went over everything with me about how I was failing at going forward. I looked her in the eye and told her I overeat. I acknowledged it verbally. She just put her hand on me and told me I would get through it. I have done much more since that day to get myself out of that habit.
Now, I know what it all stems from. And mentally know to fight it. But sometimes, I just get that~ " no one cares about me so why should I care about myself" feeling.
MOST of the time I am upbeat, have pretty high confidence and self esteem and live like I am a warrior that I could lose everything at any moment. I do my best to be positive and get the most out of each day. Have I been giving 100%? No. Not lately. But I do and will give myself credit for being much farther forward than a year ago!
I know I am loved and appreciated and needed and wanted. Sometimes when I am the last to be noticed or given any attention in the day, if at hurts. I tell myself to suck it up and not be selfish. But I do need certain things that get overlooked. And possibly I allow them to be overlooked because I want everyone happy before myself. This is a constant struggle with me. Putting myself higher on the list when it comes to other...hard. Making me a priority to me easier but looking at it now, I guess I am fully not doing that if I allow myself be lower to everyone else. It is my job to tell people~ "I want time with you".
It has been a rough couple of days inside me. Just being in the present is all I can do, and fight as hard as I can. So each day I will work to give myself more. I just get so overwhelmed and tired fighting from time to time.

I guess I see this as a glitch in me that I have been working on, that has gone haywire lately. And maybe I seem selfish or like a baby. My blood sugar has been very high, this morning is the first morning it has been in the normal range. I have been revisiting each thing I have learned over the past year that has helped me. Like back tracking down a path and looking at each sign, twig, or road marker to make sure I get back on that right path. I want to go the right way. I need to go the right way. Inner struggle with emotion is just difficult.

I know I will get through it. emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    It's not a journey you'll go through alone, Kate. Your Sparklers are here for you! You are so brave to be open and honest, and sometimes it really just takes being honest like that to grab on to some will power. You'll come out on top!
    2248 days ago
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