I have known that I emotional eat for many years. I also over eat. Over the last year I have come to realize that I eat when I am angry and when I feel cast aside or feel not listened to by people who matter to me.
I have been doing that again. I am going to do my best to have today be the last day I let that feeling swallow me up. I have communicated my feelings with those who are involved and made them know I am having trouble. That I need their help to not do this. I am not blaming them, but actions involving them have triggered me. And it isn't even bad triggers so I am guessing things run much deeper than I allowed myself to admit.
I recall being in my last doctor's office and crying, after she went over everything with me about how I was failing at going forward. I looked her in the eye and told her I overeat. I acknowledged it verbally. She just put her hand on me and told me I would get through it. I have done much more since that day to get myself out of that habit.
Now, I know what it all stems from. And mentally know to fight it. But sometimes, I just get that~ " no one cares about me so why should I care about myself" feeling.
MOST of the time I am upbeat, have pretty high confidence and self esteem and live like I am a warrior that I could lose everything at any moment. I do my best to be positive and get the most out of each day. Have I been giving 100%? No. Not lately. But I do and will give myself credit for being much farther forward than a year ago!
I know I am loved and appreciated and needed and wanted. Sometimes when I am the last to be noticed or given any attention in the day, if at all...it hurts. I tell myself to suck it up and not be selfish. But I do need certain things that get overlooked. And possibly I allow them to be overlooked because I want everyone happy before myself. This is a constant struggle with me. Putting myself higher on the list when it comes to other...hard. Making me a priority to me easier but looking at it now, I guess I am fully not doing that if I allow myself be lower to everyone else. It is my job to tell people~ "I want time with you".
It has been a rough couple of days inside me. Just being in the present is all I can do, and fight as hard as I can. So each day I will work to give myself more. I just get so overwhelmed and tired fighting from time to time.
I guess I see this as a glitch in me that I have been working on, that has gone haywire lately. And maybe I seem selfish or like a baby. My blood sugar has been very high, this morning is the first morning it has been in the normal range. I have been revisiting each thing I have learned over the past year that has helped me. Like back tracking down a path and looking at each sign, twig, or road marker to make sure I get back on that right path. I want to go the right way. I need to go the right way. Inner struggle with emotion is just difficult.
I know I will get through it.