Saturday, March 07, 2015
Taking a deep breath. I have had a pretty nice weekend. I have been active and very vigilant of when, what, and how much I eat. Doing my best to be focused on what I need to do to stay on top of things.
A couple of times this week I have had to say something to my husband. Now I am not going to bash him. I am just going to say I am struggling so very hard with him. He wants to help. He supports in his own way. And he is great a lot of times!
BUT I have told him that what he does, effects me too. Such as...bringing enough Mc D's in the HOUSE to feed all of us, constantly snacking, saying he didn't have enough or I didn't make enough. He knows he has issues with over eating too. He eats extremely fast also. I think it triggers a " if he doesn't care then why should I care either" thing in me. And when I speak to him about it I see he is mad in his eyes. His mouth says otherwise most of the time. He is mad that I notice what he is doing. He is mad because he knows those actions are not supportive of my struggles. I know he does want to help me because he knows how very hard it is to me to stay right. I am not nagging at him, I am trying to help myself. I don't do it in a naggy way. He does NOT accuse me of nagging. I think he knows he is doing something that is not good for either of us.
Tonight I mentioned maybe getting small plates or bowls that are sectioned so veggies and other food are more easily able to be measured. He didn't like that idea. I get where he is coming from. I do. I just look for ways to make it easier for me. I am used to cooking for an army of people. And with the kids moving away there are less people and I am trying to teach myself to cook less.
I know his heart supports me. And he tries to be positive. But boy does he have a way of pulling my triggers. Maybe and I do know this because he told me long ago...he resents my illnesses and struggles. I am 42. I am so much better at 42 than I was at 36! But he resented me back then because I was not supposed to be sick, weak, unable to do the things he was doing. I think it somewhat carries over still. I think sometimes he feels eating healthy is a form of taking care of me in a resentful way. When really I am trying to take care of myself, him and our kids! Maybe he feels punished he has to eat what I cook or buy and we eat out less. Not enough to leave me or anything drastic, now. Just enough though to throw a tantrum, ya know??
Today. It was about nuts. Almonds, cashews...nuts. I didn't get nuts salty enough or with enough flavor. So I mixed up a flavor mix, heated the nuts and stirred in the flavor mix. First they didn't have enough flavor even WITH the mix, then they were too salty. I guess I can't win. I thought they were good! Not too salty, and nice flavor that wasn't too strong.
Sigh~~~~ Just a bump in the road. I am just frustrated. Tired.