Being honest: a mental breakthrough
Friday, March 27, 2015
Five years ago I was 195 lb after losing weight through the help of SP and enjoying life. I started that journey at 232 lb. I was probably more at the start but it took a couple weeks for me to get over my fear of scales. When I finally bought a scale , I was 232 lb. That was my first mental hurdle from the years of being fat shamed by my doctor and family. Looking back, I was normal. Yes, I was slightly over weight in the grand BMI scheme of things. But I was healthy! I was active and I have always eaten relatively healthy. I just drank too many cappuccinos and late night snacks at Denny's. I digress...
I made a promise to myself that I would never go above 200 again and I would definitely never go above my highest weight. Well, during grad school I failed in my first promise. Stress and lack of time, my weight went up and up. Right back to 232. Grad school ended and I got engaged. I had time and motivation again, I got down to 211 before the wedding. Then in September/October I went into a deep depression. I ate everything in sight. My stomach knew no limits. I could eat a meal after work and then eat dinner as soon as my husband came home from work. I didn't move off the couch.
I snapped out of the depression in December and I decided that I would work on loving myself first before losing weight again. I would love my body in all it's flaws and truly see my beauty. Only then could I lose this weight and keep it off. In the midst of all of this my weight went up to 235 lb. A few weeks ago, the week before my husband broke my arm, he found his motivation and inspiration to start on his weight loss journey. He decided he needed to cut down on portion sizes and get moving. So over the past month we have been eating mindfully and it shows. Both of us have lost weight. With my arm the way it is I can't exercise the way I want, so I have been walking when the pain isn't bad, nothing special.
This brings me to my crazy mind. Last month I had an internal battle if I should increase my tracker to 235 lb or keep it at 230 lb. I was embarrassed that I did this to myself. Mental illness is hard. I made the conscience decision to not increase my weight on SP. I would just start tracking again at 230 lb. With my arm broken, I have been avoiding the scale. I thought there was no way. This morning I hopped right on after looking at myself in my bra and panties yesterday and loving myself. I didn't think a negative thought. So, here was my break through, I saw 231 on the scale this morning. I was so excited. I am back on the right path and can't wait for my arm to be better to increase my exercising/intensity. But then I realized I had nobody to celebrate with because I was hiding my embarrassment. I was lying to myself and that belittle my success.
So, I signed on to SP and full disclosure honesty from this point on. I changed my tracker, I changed my goals. I am happy with the honesty. Here I am celebrating my 4 lb loss! This is merely the crest of the mountain. I am on my way down. I know there will be bumps in the road again... but I'll be honest the entire way. No more lying to myself!