The downward spiral
Monday, April 13, 2015
If only I were talking about the NIN album. Let's start with good news. I am out of my sling! I have 3 more weeks of no pushing/pulling/lifting, but I don't have to wear the sling unless my elbow gets sore. I am trying my best not to cheat. My arm lets me know fast if I am doing too much. The doctor is pretty positive that by the end of the month I will be all healed and released from his care. He is really happy with my range of motion. Also Saturday we drove across the state and visited friends. It was the best. I really miss having friends to spend time with just talking and maybe playing some games. We played cornhole and caught up on all the research gossip.
So then we come to yesterday. I felt it almost as soon as I woke up. I was entering the downward spiral. My heart felt like the pit of despair and I was screaming on the inside. Hello, depression. No, you aren't welcome here. Oh, you are going to stick around anyways. Joy! My husband let me sink in for only 10 minutes and then demanded that I get up and we do our Sunday routine of market and cleaning. I went about the rest of my day pretty well. NBD! Watched the new Game of Thrones, how could anyone be sad then? Just before falling asleep I told my husband how I dreaded going in to work this morning. It just sucks the life out of me. That then is a reminder on how horrible I did in the interview I had on Thursday. Then my brain starts sabotaging my life and telling me I'm going nowhere in my career and I should start making a plan B.
So, I got to work this morning and threw myself into some research. I was determined to run the nitrogen analyzer all day and have no worries. Well the nitrogen analyzer had other plans. I ran a few things that tech support told me to do on Friday. I then successfully ran blank calibration and standard calibration. Then I started on samples. First sample, error message is thrown again and analysis is aborted. Back on the phone with tech support. I think at this point they think we are beyond stupid... but even they have never heard of this error or have a clue as to why it's throwing it. I sent a screenshot to them and now I wait for a callback of ideas from the programmers. I didn't grab my kindle this morning. I have no internet service on my phone in my office. I have a lot of time for my brain to work overtime and think really stupid things. I am trying to drown the noise. I take deep breaths. I just want this to pass. It feels like my motivation, cares, concerns, ambitions are being sucked out through a black hole in my heart.
I need a change!