The downward spiral

Monday, April 13, 2015

If only I were talking about the NIN album. Let's start with good news. I am out of my sling! I have 3 more weeks of no pushing/pulling/lifting, but I don't have to wear the sling unless my elbow gets sore. I am trying my best not to cheat. My arm lets me know fast if I am doing too much. The doctor is pretty positive that by the end of the month I will be all healed and released from his care. He is really happy with my range of motion. Also Saturday we drove across the state and visited friends. It was the best. I really miss having friends to spend time with just talking and maybe playing some games. We played cornhole and caught up on all the research gossip.

So then we come to yesterday. I felt it almost as soon as I woke up. I was entering the downward spiral. My heart felt like the pit of despair and I was screaming on the inside. Hello, depression. No, you aren't welcome here. Oh, you are going to stick around anyways. Joy! My husband let me sink in for only 10 minutes and then demanded that I get up and we do our Sunday routine of market and cleaning. I went about the rest of my day pretty well. NBD! Watched the new Game of Thrones, how could anyone be sad then? Just before falling asleep I told my husband how I dreaded going in to work this morning. It just sucks the life out of me. That then is a reminder on how horrible I did in the interview I had on Thursday. Then my brain starts sabotaging my life and telling me I'm going nowhere in my career and I should start making a plan B.

So, I got to work this morning and threw myself into some research. I was determined to run the nitrogen analyzer all day and have no worries. Well the nitrogen analyzer had other plans. I ran a few things that tech support told me to do on Friday. I then successfully ran blank calibration and standard calibration. Then I started on samples. First sample, error message is thrown again and analysis is aborted. Back on the phone with tech support. I think at this point they think we are beyond stupid... but even they have never heard of this error or have a clue as to why it's throwing it. I sent a screenshot to them and now I wait for a callback of ideas from the programmers. I didn't grab my kindle this morning. I have no internet service on my phone in my office. I have a lot of time for my brain to work overtime and think really stupid things. I am trying to drown the noise. I take deep breaths. I just want this to pass. It feels like my motivation, cares, concerns, ambitions are being sucked out through a black hole in my heart.

I need a change!
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    emoticon BAILEEGRAVES

    Back in November when I finally crawled out of that hole I talked in depth with my husband about my needs when I get to that place. He's very sympathetic. He is trying to understand, but you know how that is when you have never experienced depression. He gave me some time to just lay in bed, but he wouldn't enable me. I am trying to come up with things to do at my desk that make me feel like I am not wasting my life sitting here. I am not one to enjoy being paid for doing nothing.

    Last night I watched a movie and then took a chair out and sat in the rain on my balcony. Literally in the rain. I let the water just wash over me. Then before bed I watched a whole lot of youtube videos that made me laugh. It lifted my spirits.
    1947 days ago
  • no profile photo CD15387530
    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    I'm so sorry you've had a crappy few days. I'm like you. I can wake up and feel that downward spiral you talked about. And yay for your husband BUT it's so easy to say "Get up and get on with it". If only that were true. Especially when you feel your job is sucking the life out of you. It makes it so hard! For the last year before I had to retire it was a fight every single day to get up and go to work. We spend so much time there, it really sucks when you're miserable there.

    I hope things are looking better today and just know that I'm here for support and encouragement. A better day is just around the corner!!

    1947 days ago
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