trying to get it back
Sunday, April 19, 2015
I am very depressed today. And it is only 9am!!
All night last night, thru bouts of sleep, I just kept waking up with these thoughts of who has done me wrong, and the bad things that I will face when I wake up and meet each day.
The weight is only a little part of that.
I have exercised alot over the last couple of days and have gotten outside in the sun and fresh air.
So, I dont know what has infiltrated my psyche to this point.
But, I live with this constant state of self anger at some decisions I have made.
But wishing to change things isnt changing them.
I often wonder if I have anything to look forward to.
So this past weekend was our local festival in our town and on Friday I put on my workout clothes, compression shorts, sports bra, etc. And went to the festival, where I spent alot more time than I had originally expected.
By the time I got home, I was in misery. These tight clothes were binding me so much that I was so glad to get them off.
So, Saturday, at the last minute, we decided to go back.
This time, I decided I wasnt going to wear tight clothes. So, I go in search of something to put on.
But I realize, I dont have anything that fits.
All my shirts, shirts I bought when I was down 2 sizes, are now too small and tight.
So, I grabbed a shirt and a pair of shorts, and swallowed my pride and went out in a shirt that was way too small.
You know the shirt, the one you are constantly tugging down, to try to hide your belly??
Maybe you dont know.
So, all day I was fully aware that I had on a shirt that wasnt quite right for me, but, it was all I had to put on.
And so it dawned on me, I had become one of THOSE people.
The ones you stare at, do a double take and wonder, "How could they have left the house in that"?!!
Oh well, live and learn.
It is what it is. I am just fat!!!
Time to get a little less fat. Time to stop living in the past and time to accept what is NOW.
I have gained back 18 pounds of a 63 pound loss.
and if I keep going the way I have been, soon that gap is going to get closer and finally, I will not be able to say I have lost even a pound.
So, what is next?
Where do I begin?
Time to put aside what WAS. and live for right now.