MAMABEAR372
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4-28-15

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

First of all I have to say my next doctor appointment is weighing heavily on my mind. Second thought is that I have NOT been perfect by any means. With two deaths this past winter and some other things that emotionally have me in a hiccup I have had my struggles. I am trying so hard to stay up beat and positive. I feel like I have been slacking. But DO give myself credit for staying some what focused each day even if it is only on one thing at a time.

I know my weight probably wont be much lower, if any, but know that my doctor will not scold me on that. The main thing is my A1c. January was really, really rough for me with food. And each day that went on I told myself I will be ok if I just...(fill in the blank). Bogged down by my emotions I drug myself to this day. Keeping busy, doing my best to be out of town to ensure I stay busy. Not punish myself by nixing all goodies but allowing myself a taste. But my soul knows I have not done my best. And I suppose that is ok considering the things I have dealt with recently. But not excusable to just lay down and let time pass.

I know my A1c measures my control for the past few months. I have had to go back up on insulin. This was a decision I made reluctantly because it felt like I had failed, but came to the realization that I was NOT a failure, my body just needs it and I can not control that SOMETIMES. I am not giving up on lowering and getting off insulin. But am accepting that it may take longer than I would like. That said, back to the A1c. I am praying to God that it is still below 7. Or in some miracle is 6.5 or lower. I am scare...terrified... it is 7 or above. To me, that feels like failure. Like punishment is about to happen. Back to being the jail of the 3 month visits. Or even worse they find something else again and it is back to the specialists. This would be all the total opposite of what I am trying to accomplish.

My mom says, "don't borrow trouble". I suppose I am doing that worrying. She also tells me, " does worrying do you any good?" My thoughts all my life have been, " If I don't like it, then do something to fix it." And honestly I feel like I have been in limbo. I want that fire back. I need that fire, that "TAKE THAT!" feeling again. I feel it brewing inside me again. I think the emotions I have been dealing with have dampened those feelings. I think I lost myself for some time. And that happens to people. As long as I find myself again and stir up that fire in me, things will be ok.

I am proud of sticking with this for a full year. For still taking steps in the right direction even though there were/are hurdles along the way. I trip, stumble and fall as most everyone does. But I will always pick myself back up and keep moving forward in one way or another.

Sigh~~~ I just dread the doctor appointments to see how well or not I am doing. I feel like it is being disciplined by my parents or the principal of a school. Does that make sense??

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