When reading people's stories
Wednesday, May 06, 2015
I've been reading a bunch of people's weight loss journeys lately that are success stories. A light finally came on today as to why none of them have resonated with me. My weight is NOT holding me back. All of these people (who started at weights around mine) all said their weight was holding them back and they were tired of not being able to x,y,or z; most of these were physical activities. I think this is one of my problems in finding motivation to keep working harder. I just don't have these problems.
I have been an athlete all my life. Those words were very hard to say because that's like my secret life. LOL I've always been the odd girl with all the black clothes and rainbow colors of hair. I've always been a geek and slightly nerdy. But I knew I wanted to go to a college far away and I knew from a young age because of the career path I wanted to take. Plus my parents always kept us active. So I started dancing at age 3. By age 9 I was dancing and playing basketball. At age 10 I started playing softball. I stopped dancing at 14, but I kept playing softball and basketball until college. In college it was amazing to not play sports anymore and be more "me" as I never felt like an athlete.
But that didn't mean I stopped moving. I used to go hiking on Long Island all the time or walking around NYC on weekends. I did play intramural here and there just for the social aspect. I then started very physical jobs. I lifted 50lb baskets of fish and what not. When I wasn't working I still enjoyed long walks on the beach as much as I did video games.
During this entire time, starting at puberty I was overweight. Looking back now I see that due to bullying and low selfesteme I had a TERRIBLE body image and I actually wasn't all that huge. I also had a primary care doctor who fat shamed me from childhood. I know he thought he was doing it for my own good, my family has a history of obesity and diabetes. But I have always been healthy. I was 180lbs or so in high school. In college I went down a little but I don't know because I had an unhealthy relationship with the scale. I conquered that when I looked in the mirror in my late twenties at 230 lbs and knew I needed change or I would go down that family path.
During this entire time I never had a healthy problem, my blood work is perfect. I have never been winded walking up a flight of stairs, unless it was 20 flights of stairs. I've never not been able to do something or go somewhere because of my weight. Given there were times I was trying to pull myself into a liferaft in survival training when I wished my butt wasn't so big. LOL But that's really all. So my motivation has been different. I thought I needed to be smaller to love me and my body. I found out that isn't true. But I also found out that once I started to really love me and my body, weight loss became easier. Darn coping mechanisms of eating are terrible!
And so here I am. Figuring out that my problem has always been mental, never physical. The mental problems seem to be so much harder to overcome. There's no real measurable success. It takes SO MUCH longer. But it gets easier just like exercise. I don't know if I'll ever be "skinny", but that too is not my motivator. I just keep staying active and healthy. Where my weight lands, well so be it, as long as I am fit and healthy.