When reading people's stories

Wednesday, May 06, 2015

I've been reading a bunch of people's weight loss journeys lately that are success stories. A light finally came on today as to why none of them have resonated with me. My weight is NOT holding me back. All of these people (who started at weights around mine) all said their weight was holding them back and they were tired of not being able to x,y,or z; most of these were physical activities. I think this is one of my problems in finding motivation to keep working harder. I just don't have these problems.

I have been an athlete all my life. Those words were very hard to say because that's like my secret life. LOL I've always been the odd girl with all the black clothes and rainbow colors of hair. I've always been a geek and slightly nerdy. But I knew I wanted to go to a college far away and I knew from a young age because of the career path I wanted to take. Plus my parents always kept us active. So I started dancing at age 3. By age 9 I was dancing and playing basketball. At age 10 I started playing softball. I stopped dancing at 14, but I kept playing softball and basketball until college. In college it was amazing to not play sports anymore and be more "me" as I never felt like an athlete.

But that didn't mean I stopped moving. I used to go hiking on Long Island all the time or walking around NYC on weekends. I did play intramural here and there just for the social aspect. I then started very physical jobs. I lifted 50lb baskets of fish and what not. When I wasn't working I still enjoyed long walks on the beach as much as I did video games.

During this entire time, starting at puberty I was overweight. Looking back now I see that due to bullying and low selfesteme I had a TERRIBLE body image and I actually wasn't all that huge. I also had a primary care doctor who fat shamed me from childhood. I know he thought he was doing it for my own good, my family has a history of obesity and diabetes. But I have always been healthy. I was 180lbs or so in high school. In college I went down a little but I don't know because I had an unhealthy relationship with the scale. I conquered that when I looked in the mirror in my late twenties at 230 lbs and knew I needed change or I would go down that family path.

During this entire time I never had a healthy problem, my blood work is perfect. I have never been winded walking up a flight of stairs, unless it was 20 flights of stairs. I've never not been able to do something or go somewhere because of my weight. Given there were times I was trying to pull myself into a liferaft in survival training when I wished my butt wasn't so big. LOL But that's really all. So my motivation has been different. I thought I needed to be smaller to love me and my body. I found out that isn't true. But I also found out that once I started to really love me and my body, weight loss became easier. Darn coping mechanisms of eating are terrible!

And so here I am. Figuring out that my problem has always been mental, never physical. The mental problems seem to be so much harder to overcome. There's no real measurable success. It takes SO MUCH longer. But it gets easier just like exercise. I don't know if I'll ever be "skinny", but that too is not my motivator. I just keep staying active and healthy. Where my weight lands, well so be it, as long as I am fit and healthy.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Glad you were able to figure out what is best for you. Keep up the active lifestyle and do what works. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1885 days ago
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    1885 days ago
    You brought me to tears. I know how this feels. It is important to find what motivates you. Society over to tell us to be a or b. I am so glad that you shared this.
    1885 days ago
    Hooray for you for being in such good shape. It is very sad that there are a lot of people on this website that are not as fortunate as you.
    1886 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13244215
    I identify with your story. We have similar childhood stories of playing sports and being active. My dad's side of the family has risk for diabetes & heart disease. Despite my being 40 lbs overweight, I don't have any health issues and I'm in good shape. I can run a mile (when there's no pollen outside); I can lift weights that many women would balk at. And yet, I'm still stuck in the same mental place I've always been: at the starting line. Something holds me back from sticking to my path for longer than a week. Something mental, that I haven't put my finger on yet.
    1886 days ago
    That's a nice epiphany to reach, even if it is a complicated one! The mental side of a lifestyle change is so tricky to navigate, and honestly I know I've had it easier since that hasn't been as much of an issue for me (I'm not an athlete or have physically active work). I hope this realization helps you along the way, and thanks for sharing!
    1886 days ago
  • no profile photo CD15502164
    Awesome blog! I'm so glad you had this epiphany. And I'm glad you have vibrant health. That's what I strive for, and I don't care what shape I will be as long as I'm healthy. You go girl! I'm proud of you.
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    1886 days ago
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