do you ever just feel......
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Do you ever look at your life and wonder what is missing?
I do that every single day. More here lately.
I hear people say they found, or missed, their calling in life. I dont think I ever had a calling.
And if I ever did, it must have not been calling too loudly.
I am pushing 48 years old and I have nothing to show for my life.
I mean, yeah, i have my son.
But I mean, MY LIFE.
I am not going to leave behind any kind of legacy. And i know what people are saying....
"It's not too late"!!
Well, that is where my head has been here lately.
I NEED something in my life.
I am so SO unfulfilled.
I am actually quite unhappy and very lonely and I dont really have anything going on.
Every day I get up, and most of those days I go walk.
And for that hour, even when I am not so happy, I am probably at my happiest, or at least my most content for the day.
The rest of the day is spent just being.
It is like I am ALWAYS waiting.
and so often, too often, I have come to expect others to fill the void or the sense of loss I have in my life.
I am really not that happy in my relationship and I know I might be happier, if I had something to contribute and something to make me feel like an equal partner.
But mostly I feel like a burden and just really not even caring if it lasts or ends.
And as sad and pathetic as it sounds, if the cost of living, especially for someone with very little income, wasnt so high....I probably wouldnt have stayed.
I dont know what I want.
One day I say to myself, its not that bad, you can make it work.
The next day I cannot wait til hes gone and out of my sight. And I am coming to realize that has as much to do with me as it does with him.
I am just unhappy in general.
Was I ever really happy????
I try to look back to when I was.
I went to school for Business. But it was only a 2 year program and it wasnt really business as they called it, it was really office assisting and didnt amount to anything.
and i had a few jobs over the years.
Everything from answering phones in offices, to a lunchroom assistant in the high school. Teaching assistant in both high and jr high schools.
And there was the short lived job as a clerk in a convienence store. Which I loathed with a passion.
So, overall, I have never really done anything that I can say I loved.
Nothing that awakened a real interest in me.
I guess when my son was in high school, and I was always volunteering for his football team, and fundraising, that was very important and of interest to me.
I looked at it as a hobby more so than anything, but it was something I was good at and liked doing.
Today, Someone said something to me that really struck down deep to me and really got me thinking.
I drove by a used car lot and there was a really nice Ford Edge on display for just under 10,000 and I commented on how badly I need a new car. They said stop and talk to them and I said there is no way I can qualfiy for a loan, I have no down payment and no credit.
They said...."You need to get a job and build up your credit and STOP HIDING IN THIS WORLD".
I got a little mad, but I let that sink in and realized, they were right.
I have nothing to show for my being here on this earth.
I dont matter.
And I want to matter.
I want to DO something. I just dont know what that is.
And lately I have been considering going back to school, but the truth is, looking over the classes offered at the community college, I really dont see anything that peaks me interest.
So, I ask myself, do I really want to go to all the trouble of taking the compass test and getting financial aid and going thru all that paperwork, running down this and that to get all my ducks in a row, to take some class that I dont even really care about to try to get some job that 200 more qualified people would probably also be trying to get???
Or, find a job??
I cant explain what a small town I live in.
There are so few businesses, and none that I know of that are hiring, save for that inconvient store.
The thoughts of going back to work would appeal to me, if I knew of some job I really wanted to do.
I had been offered a job in a small local gas station/store.
But I turned it down. Because they allow employees to smoke there and I hate cigerette smoke and didnt want to subject myself to second hand grossness for minimum wage.
Besides, they all have to wear crewneck tshirts, which are ill fitting on me.
As, almost all clothes are these days.
I did lose 2 lbs in the last month.
It doesnt even matter enough to really consider it any kind of success.
I feel bad tonight and down and depressed and very lost.
I just dont know where I want to be, what I want to do, what is there out there for me.
What is inside me that makes me this way or wants to get out???
I wish that calling was louder so I could hear it.