giving myself credit...

i put on another board my "to do list" today was to give myself credit.

i don't feel like reposting--but maybe i should... nah.

right now, i am thinking of the index cards i wrote up today. one of them of note to me was: STOP THINKING: "why should i reward myself, like a school person, and give myself stickers for stuff i know i should be doing.." and i am supposed to realize that that is sabotaging myself, to say that. i should say: if i didn't have a problem overeating, and if i didn't have a problem w/eating too much, and if i didn't have a problem w/worrying about what other people thought of me, or other such silly insecurities that i actually have, then that would be a valid reprimand. BUT. i am overweight. i have a problem with my eating habits. i worry about what other people think of me. i have insecurities. so, by golly, if i do something right, and i do something a skinny person would do, or feel something a skinny person would feel--or DON'T feel something a skinny person would feel, then by golly, if i want a sticker, I DESERVE THE STICKER. and, if i want to take credit for it, then i deserve to take credit for it. i earned it. i worked hard for it. i struggled and stressed and hurt for it. so why would i go all goofy and say i don't deserve a silly little, 5 cent sticker?? how insane is that? INSANE.

AND i bet you money, that it is officially called sabotaging myself when i rant and rave at myself, too. if anyone were to even look like they were going to rant and rave at my kids about a silly little sticker, it would be better for them to look at me before they did, and they would understand how big of a mistake that would be.... so why can't i treat myself like i would treat my kids? how dare i get so mad at myself at such little things?? shows how far i have to go. at least i SEE the hole this time... i think...