Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Been awhile since I have written on SP.
I left my last Dr. apt in a great place. Hubby came home that night and told me about what was going on with him at work, which is not ethical or right. I am seriously protective. I also knew I took on other people's problems but I really feel this one. So, since that day I have brooded and growled inside myself just angry and protective about what is going on with him. Things still are not any better. And I KNOW I can not do a thing but be there for him and support him. Last night I told myself...enough. This is effecting me and my progress. Little by little I have been trying to pull myself back to the mindset I had when leaving the doctor last. I had such a spark to really make tracks forward. I have seriously been struggling to have any spark. Anger is a trigger to bad health for me. I realized that I shove things in my mouth to keep myself from saying something I shouldn't. That seriously is the reason! This has become a coping skill for anger for me. I figured this out the day he told me about what is going on. What is going on with him at work is the exact hot point pet peeve that gets me going the most. So I slipped into angry, keep your mouth shut, you can't do anything about it no matter how bad you want to. Most people think it would be easy to keep their mouth shut when it comes to their spouses job. My husbands boss is our long time friend of 20 years. And we socialize with many of the people he works with also. Sighhhhhh so. When I was asking for people to keep us in their prayers, we were heading to his boss' birthday party that had been on vacation and we were unsure if he knew what had happened to my husband. No one ...well some did...said a thing but I put a stop to it telling them it wasn't the time or place and he was not in the mood to have it be brought up. I behaved myself that night. He, on the other hand along with his boss (our 20 year friend) got beyond drunk. I knew this was to not feel the anger of what was going on. Turns out our friend knew and was against what was going on too and was terrified his friendship was in trouble with us because of it. I told hubby and friend...we are friends. We keep it separate. We knew his hands were tied and he wasn't the one propelling this event that was killing my hubby inside and fueling such anger and hurt.
Well, last night, I told myself...I am not going to let this company take both of us down. Especially when I am supposed to be supporting my hubby while he is being treated so unethically. I am going to be stronger than I have been. It may not be easy. I need to do what is best for me and my family. And that is take care of me and us. That restarts today. Not just going through the motions but actually being present in it and aware of the focus it takes to get back on top of things. Sighhh. I. am. still. angry. and. protective. What they have done is no where near right. But, we must move on. Even if we are all in the midst of things still and the war is just being started. This whole thing in realistic terms may mean us moving across country if a solution can not be resolved. So it is a life changing event that effects my husband, me as his spouse and his children. Hubby is sitting in the position of do we put up with it and stay or do we not and move across country.
I still hold the hope that his director will quit being a coward and take a meeting with him. He has avoided him for weeks and knows he is furious. It just isn't right. Even have been in touch with HR about everything. There has been meetings with the VP about how this isn't right. sighhhhhhh~~~~~~
So this is my attempt at correcting an issue I have of stuffing food in my mouth to keep myself in check. I was proud of myself I didn't over eat or drink at that party when things were at the highest stress. I think I was in protective mode to make sure my husband didn't go off so I had to babysit him. We do have a couple friends who like to stir the pot and they attempted that but I told them to stop, they don't know what they might stir up.
Ok so, doing what I can to shake this feeling off of me. Wow it is so very hard. One step at a time. Ya know? It is possible to work the things you are supposed to yet not have the kick behind them because you are being held down by something else. That is me. I am doing what I can to shake that off. Focus and brace myself for upcoming things that I know will be hard and make me upset too.
HA, my husband taught me to be like a duck. That sounds silly I know. But he taught me to let things roll off my back, pick my battles and move on. Unfortunately this is something that stuck and must be fought for. Always fight for what is right. But roll with the waves while doing it and keep moving. That's what I am reminding myself of right now. My protective self is being held back until the next huge wave hits. I accept that is who I am and it isn't all a bad thing. Just have to learn to control it and use it in a way that doesn't hold myself back too.
Ah the learning process of life. Officially pulled up by the bootstraps, pushing the dust off my chin, chin is up, focus is back on and officially stepping forward strongly and fiercely! Back climbing up the cliff again. Dangerous, difficult, draining...but do-able.