Tuesday, July 14, 2015
I have been feeling "blah" for the past 4 days. I believe it is because I spent a week with my folks and brother and his family now I am home. The realization of my mother possibly not having many more years on this earth is weighing heavily on me. Been very emotional since I came home. I did not cry when I left, which may have lead to me being emotional now. She just hung onto me telling me she wishes I would move to where she lived. That she needs me. She lives 8-9 hours away. Also weighing heavily is my brothers mental issues. How his kids are effected. I feel bad for them. I usually only spend a day or two there but this time I spent longer. It has been raining since I have been back also which adds to the feeling of being down.
I am in the process of picking myself back up emotionally. This time it is so very hard because I am afraid of feeling guilt. The "should I be..." feeling that plays over and over in my head about my family. I am the youngest. I have no other uncles, grand parents, etc. Just my mom, dad and brother on my side and brother's family of course. I was told that my mom's memory is bad. And she is falling a lot and the doctor said she may be in a nursing home within a year. My heart broke while trying to stay strong and showing no pain. We used to stay here in this state due to my husband's family being an hour away. He has both parents, many aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, brothers and sisters. None of which speak to us. His ma is not in the best health but the family on his side is so fractured. What is keeping us here? My youngest is in school, which I know what school I would put him in if we moved since I grew up where we would move to. We have lived here 20 years and now the housing market is getting better. My hubby's job, is ... well I have spoken about that before. I know he told me on the way home, that he did look to see what employment would be out there for him. The housing market is great out there. He told me there wasn't anything at this time though for jobs. That meant a lot to me that he looked without me saying anything. That tells me he is feeling some of what I am feeling. That our place is there. At least for this time. How and when to make that happen, that is the issue we need to be thinking about harder.
I slept hard last night. Having dreams of anyone that gives me comfort, familiarity and safety. I didn't want to get up today. I just wanted to stay in that dream. I feel like I have fallen from the railroad tracks of life. I can see them. I reach for them. I hear the train in the distance and need to get back up on there and head forward. But I am too weighed down and tired. Possible and probably feeling this way because of my mom's health. I feel like she is sometimes forgotten about. She now wears a pendant that runs through calling people to help her when she needs help. My father travels a lot, brother and his family has been doing that too. No one tells me anything, even when they travel. Leaving mom alone. That bothers me yet when I bring it up to them I am dismissed like I don't know anything.
I don't know. I just get a gut feeling. And I got a big ol gut ha ha, so it is a big ol feeling ha ha! (comedic relief??!?) I am just trying to figure out my role and what I should do or how to handle it all. Help her (them) yet keep helping myself. I am great at taking care of others, not so much myself though. I put others before myself. I have been working on switching that without guilt.
I tell myself eat right! The right things in the right amount!!! You exercise pretty good. Because of stress it is ok to be higher in units for insulin to keep my blood sugar in check so I don't end up going to the doctor more. Keep calm, keep strong, but know it is ok to cry.
I find myself wanting to sit and try to figure it out. And I know I need to keep going on daily as normal. But I know, one day sooner rather than later it is all going to fall on me for all of them. My father is getting older, mother is declining, brother is declining...which leaves me. I need to be strong and healthy, smart and calm, logical and a rock. I am just trying to mentally train myself for this position. And it is heavily difficult.