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And again . . .

Saturday, August 29, 2015

For someone with as much awareness as I showed in my last couple of posts, I sure do fall back into old habits. Huh. And well. Well well.

My last two loved and lovely and tiring and wonderful kids are now 17 and 18. Unimaginable, and really quite fabulous. We are becoming the friends I hoped we would as they grow into adults, while I'm still holding the line on behaviors that harm and encouraging behaviors that help. I really like my kids.

That said, it's been a long, long haul. Are they special needs because I'm uber aware and look for issues, or are they just who they are? I don't know, but I've learned so much, and I appreciate the gift in that.

Just as I appreciate the gift of self awareness about my stress response habits, and can observe, although not always mediate, the resulting actions.

I know I mess up, and I do it anyway.

So, the good news is that I, like so many others, know that giving up is not an option I want to choose. I choose self care, even if it's a bit late in the game. Or rather, i choose self care again, and will keep making this choice until I can stick with it.

Which brings me to August 2015, and my renewed desire and willingness to give this another go.

But here's the thing. I'm 54, and tired of weighing and counting and focusing entirely on fitness and weight control so that I can reach a goal weight. I know I need a lifestyle change, and I know I need to lose weight to have the energy I want to change this life.

So I'm reluctantly going to weigh in tomorrow morning. Reluctantly because I don't want to live my life by the numbers on the scale. I want to eat well and move my body and do it because it feels good. But I know the scale can provide tangible feedback about how I'm doing, even if I tune out because of stress, especially if I tune out because of stress.

I know calorie counting works, so I've been counting calories this week, and yes, it totally influences my food choices to have a caloric goal. I'm starting slow, partly because I know that's a healthy approach. and partly because I'm too tired to go any faster. Which I hope will change. Which Will Change.

There are terrific things going on in my world these days. I have grandchildren! Beautiful, delicious, funny as heck small people with keen minds and agile vocabularies. They make my heart beat and they make me smile and cry happy tears. I am unashamedly emotional about them. Because that's the way love is.

Oh, and I'm also starting a new baking business while returning to my calorie counting ways. So, as I said, huh. I've got this.
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