Figuring things out.10-12-15

It has been a heavy tough time in life this year. I recently got news about my oldest son having severe mental health issues which has me more than concerned. He has gotten himself help and I thank God for that. I pray it helps him. He scares me with his mental stability and I know I have to trust his doctor will do her best to help him and have faith that God will protect him and bring him through this. But honestly I am terrified, concerned, know I am not at fault nor can I fix him. I can only be patient, understanding, available, supportive and show I love him more than he will ever realize. I try to not cry, and tell myself it will be OK. I have lived my life going through the severity of severe mental health issues with my mom and brother. But to have a son, have to deal with something I am overly aware of how serious severe mental issues can be, is just ......I can't even put a word to it. I also am the go to for my son in college who is doing better with his life. He does now come to me for guidance. And my youngest son started middle school this year and I am doing all I can to help him to get out of drowning in his classes. He went from Fs to Cs and is working his butt off to do better. Then my husband. His job has and still is running him through the ringer. We got into a fight last night because I need him to help me, stand by me with everything with the kids. We made them together, we raise them together. We patched up our fight and got understanding from each other. I even got a genuine appology that came out of the blue by him to me that I have waited years for and needed desperately. I told him that his appology meant the world to me. My overall point in marking this day and my thoughts is that I realized tonight, I am putting everyone's needs before my own. And I am absolutely sure I will pay at my next doctor appointment in November. I foresee 3 month checks again. It is my nature to give my all to those who are going through something. I love my family and there is so much pain and stress. I am sorting out what is temporary pain and stress. My oldest son unfortunately is in for a lifetime of difficulty. I hurt so badly for him and want him to be OK and safe. He is in charge of that though, not me. I am extremely proud of him being brave enough to get help. Deep breath here.............wipe my tears........suck it up and put on my brave face since my two youngest aren't aware there brother is dealing with things. They aren't blind though and my middle son is asking me questions about it to which I answer vaguely. Sigh........ OK, back to life.