The Kids Are Driving Me Crazy so I Think I'll Blog About My Fat
Saturday, October 31, 2015
So hi. I have a boatload of teenagers in my basement right now, watching scary movies and screaming and giving me a major headache which puts me in a bad mood so I thought, what the heck! LET'S BLOG!!!
I'm gonna shoot it to you straight. I have gained back some of the 55 lbs. I had lost. More than 10, less than 20. Yeah. I ate that. AND that. AND that too. Delicious! Bleh... It was because, my old self came back. I'm no dummy, I knew SHE would return, she always does. Just in time to remind me that I am a lifelong food addict and that it's always gonna be a struggle and I suck at struggling so WHY STRUGGLE???
SHE first came this past summer when I was packing up the house, getting ready to move to our new house. Many hours spent alone, packing up box after painstaking box (-cue the violins-) and I didn't have my snacks/meals planned out. Pizza late at night, take out whenever the hubby would be nice enough to stop somewhere and bring it home and throw the paper sacks on the table. I, myself, thought hmmmm...........Imma see if I can DO THIS, eat bad food while maintaining control of my portions, maybe not eat ALL the fries, hmmmm? Damm you, pizza burgers!
Days, weeks went by. We moved. I was so excited! I finally got the kitchen of my dreams! HEY! I'm a baker and with my new kitchen, just THINK of all the stuff I can bake up! Hey! I've lost a lot of weight and I'm surely not gonna screw it all up by eating too much of this sugary goodness! I've learned my lesson! So, I tried cake after cake, cookie after cookie, pie after pie. At first, I really WAS "good". I would eat one piece, maybe 2, send the rest to work with the hubby or maybe dish it out to the daughter's friends. Sometimes, I'd put the stuff in the freezer, because, honestly.....what kind of a crazy lunatic eats frozen, ROCK- HARD baked goods straight outta the freezer ?!?! (Me. NOT even kidding, my friend. I have also been known to bake something, feel guilty, throw it in the garbage and then quickly grab the top piece out of the garbage and eat it anyway. I am a sick, sick puppy! Just keepin' it real, people.) I digress......
Anyway, SHE was always there. Telling me why stop and one or two pieces? I could feel her taunting me, reminding me that SUGAR is my heroin and I'll never get "well". One little taste and I'm a goner. Such a slippery slope! So, this past summer, birthdays came, our 20th anniversary, hosting new guests in our new home, vacation, family health issues, a flooded basement, stuff happening, blah, blah, blah. LOTS of times to celebrate or not celebrate and EAT! I have never kidded myself into thinking that once I lost all this weight, it would never "find" me again. I knew it would if I slipped up even a little bit. SHE would always tell me, "Screw it, Gina. Life is too short, girl! You should know this more than anyone! Eat the damn cake!" -Side note: I lost my 16 year old son in a car accident 17 years ago and REALLY learned how life is short, let me tell ya, another story for a different day. - BUT, back to my addiction, it's so strong, that, it's very, very hard to get back on track if I slip up a tiny bit. A tiny bit leads to a bigger bit which leads to a BIGGER bit and on and on. I wish it wasn't this way with me, but after 53 years of living in this body, I know it's true. Abstinence is the only way for me, unfortunately.
So here I sit. SHE is by my side telling me she told me so. Indeed, she did. SOOOO..... What am I gonna do about it? For one, I'm not gonna shame myself! I'm too old and tired for the whole shaming thing. Shame is a useless emotion! I WILL pull up my big girl panties, clear up over my head, and march ON! AND I'm still going to work out daily. It seems counter productive, but I really do feel much better and stronger when I keep up with my workouts, even if I overeat. Is this weird? I dunno but I figure ANY movement is better than NO movement. And I'm drinking my water. Lots. The food thing, It's one day at a time with my addiction. Today, I did pretty ok. I stayed on my food plan until I made popcorn for the kids. I was at my food limit already but I ate a bowl of popcorn. Ok, and I ate 2 M@Ms off the floor. So sue me. Now I am drinking tea. IS THIS NOT THE MOST BORING BLOG YOU'VE EVER READ!?!?!- "So she ate a bowl of popcorn, gawwww.....!" I'm just saying that I gotta do this day by day and remember why I decided to get healthy in the first place. Also, remember that it's not a race. This blog will hopefully be a way to keep me accountable for my actions. Wish me luck as I start chiseling away at these extra pounds. Again. This ain't my first rodeo. Thank you for reading.