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11-4-15 (day 3)

Wednesday, November 04, 2015

Well I survived yesterday the one year anniversary of my uncle passing away. I tried to power through and just go. I have to admit that I do have a pit of sadness inside that I am trying to work through as another anniversary death is coming up of a good friend that was taken from this earth way too soon. She wouldn't want me to be sad but she wouldn't want me to forget her. And what I remember about her is so many things. Mostly her huge bright smile and fiery spirit that didn't stop her from dancing and acting a fool to make others smile. I miss that.

Ok, so today is day 3 for me of my challenge to stay doing intentional exercise for myself and putting my needs first so I can be there for everyone in my life. The first 20 minutes of bike today went quick and painless lol although I was not in the mood to do it. It going so well put me into the mood of - I can do this, it's ok. So I did another 20 minutes of bike and worked those abs. I am skipping weights today to let myself heal. I am sore. Eating is going well. My hubby made himself popcorn last night and I melted. I love that smell. So I smelled the air and told him that that smell makes it so hard on me but I need to be strong. I got through it. This Friday I am planning on taking all my kids, husband and myself out to eat and to see a movie. And I LOVE POPCORN and Diet pepsi. So Friday will be such a tough day for me. I already know I probably wont have time to exercise and if I do I wont have time to shower. So priority is shower that day lol. I got an early appointment an hour away my oldest son will go with me to. Then I told him I would take him to breakfast then drop him back home so he can do things he needs to before coming back over to go out for dinner and a movie. I INTEND on sticking to my plan at breakfast, but I feel my brain wavering to what I love at that place. Which isn't horrible but I am afraid to give in and keep giving in. So STICK TO THE PLAN!!!! He knows I am keeping on track. Now my thoughts are also on dinner out that night and what to eat. I want to order something vegetarian or lacto-ovo vegetarian based. But we will see where we end up and what there is to order. My hubby (I think seriously but hope he was joking) suggested going to buffalo wild wings. I made the remark of- that's sabotaging me just bringing me around that place. Then I reminded him he said he would do what ever it took to support me. He agreed as he munched on his popcorn. I think that was his last popcorn in the house, he may have one more. So all that said, that is where my mind is at. Trying to prepare myself to stay strong.

Another thing with my husband I found interesting. He told me last night that he spoke to his boss about the findings in my breast. Now his boss is also a friend of ours that we have known for 20 years. We are close. He told me his boss had the same thoughts he had about waiting 6 months. My husband is really angry we have to wait 6 months. He wants to know now. He also understands protocol. He wants the mass out. His boss enthusiastically agrees with him. I understand they are both scared and care very much about me. I am not going to lie, it is on my mind too. I am going to talk to my GP in a couple weeks about it. I have a gut feeling he will be diplomatic about it. I expect that.

Today, I did my exercise. I lack appetite but will eat. I am happy to see my blood sugars going down. Weight...not doing much but it will if I keep doing what I am doing. Enough being stuck in the anger of diabetes and death. Got my head up and looking at life again. Also looking for those who support me genuinely. They are few and far between and the people I wish I had support from I don't. That hurts inside but I can't change them. All I can do is focus on myself and appreciate those who do support me.

As one of my SP friends said, we can be cheerleaders for ourselves. Yeah, I can be and I will be. It will take time to fully vest myself into it because I am so used to cheering on others. I am in the happiest part of my life believe it or not. Things are not how I always dreamed but that is ok. I am happy.

On with the day!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You make me smile! You are a very good cheerleader for yourself, and I have no qualms about being one for you as well. Let that willpower keep you on the right track, but if you give in a little, don't over-extend your leg and kick yourself in the butt. Just jump back on the wagon and roll on. I am sorry that you have a few death anniversaries to get through. You can do this, just like I always tell you.
    1989 days ago
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