Thursday, December 03, 2015
I've been struggling hardcore for awhile now. I can't pin point when it all went wrong. I keep going back to when I screwed up my knee in march. I got depressed, I felt like I would always be fat. I'd never be able to workout again. I had a pity party and finally got over it. my knee got "better" and I was able to do more activity. but I never got back into it. I've gained the majority of my weight back since march, 30 lbs, give or take. I track for a day and then mess up once and throw in the towel til next week. I've been ashamed of the weight I've gained back. I've become a closet eater. my binge eating habits are returning. I get so frustrated at myself that I eat more and more. I feel like I've let everyone else down. I have no motivation to workout. I am not drinking nearly enough water. I stress about losing and gaining weight, which leads to stress eating. my head is a mess!
This morning I told myself I was going to quit for the remainder of the year. then I realized I already quit. I am just going through the motions. I plan menus with healthy meals, I tell myself I'm going to workout in the morning, I give myself water intake goals for the day. then I accept the food my co-worker offers me, or I pick up an unhealthy snack on my way to work. I bring myself a healthy lunch and snack to work then I'm like "oh hey, vending machine". I push snooze far too many times to have time to workout. I buy a soda or open a bottle of beer rather than drink water. I just keep messing up. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food and exercise right now. I stopped a couple months ago because I started using it as punishment again. I'd eat pizza for dinner and then tell myself I had to workout for an hour in the morning to make up for it. or I knew I was bad and gained so I'd do intense cardio before weighing myself. that's not how I want to view exercise. I like to workout! I don't want it to be a chore.
I love water! I drink 2-4 liters a day. or I used to. I used to chug that last liter before bedtime if I hadn't finished it. now I'm lucky to get 1 liter down most days.
when did all this start? did I give up in march and the weight started creeping up so I just thought, doesn't matter what I do, I'm just going to gain it all back? I quit, but I forgot to tell myself that I did.
rather than add this stress to the holidays I'm going to quit for the rest of the year. there are 4 weeks left in December. I'm going to use those 4 weeks to figure out what I want to do. how much do I want to lose. why do I want to lose? i'll regroup then start all over January 2nd.
I'm not going to weigh myself unitl then. I'm not going to consider the amount of calories in something I eat before I eat it. or after. I'm going to eat what looks good. I'm going to enjoy what I'm eating. I'm not going to feel guilty! I'm not going to stress. I'm not going to throw in the towel Wednesday because I ate cheesecake Tuesday. on Wednesday I'm not going to remember what I ate on Tuesday. I'm going to sleep and not wake up depressed because I ate pizza last night and I'm surely going to gain weight. I'm tired of beating myself up. I'm tired of feeling guilty about what I ate.
I'm going to start all over. new goals, new attitude, new outlook. long-term goals, short-term goals. all of it's going to change!
bring on 2016!