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i quit?

Thursday, December 03, 2015

I've been struggling hardcore for awhile now. I can't pin point when it all went wrong. I keep going back to when I screwed up my knee in march. I got depressed, I felt like I would always be fat. I'd never be able to workout again. I had a pity party and finally got over it. my knee got "better" and I was able to do more activity. but I never got back into it. I've gained the majority of my weight back since march, 30 lbs, give or take. I track for a day and then mess up once and throw in the towel til next week. I've been ashamed of the weight I've gained back. I've become a closet eater. my binge eating habits are returning. I get so frustrated at myself that I eat more and more. I feel like I've let everyone else down. I have no motivation to workout. I am not drinking nearly enough water. I stress about losing and gaining weight, which leads to stress eating. my head is a mess!
This morning I told myself I was going to quit for the remainder of the year. then I realized I already quit. I am just going through the motions. I plan menus with healthy meals, I tell myself I'm going to workout in the morning, I give myself water intake goals for the day. then I accept the food my co-worker offers me, or I pick up an unhealthy snack on my way to work. I bring myself a healthy lunch and snack to work then I'm like "oh hey, vending machine". I push snooze far too many times to have time to workout. I buy a soda or open a bottle of beer rather than drink water. I just keep messing up. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food and exercise right now. I stopped a couple months ago because I started using it as punishment again. I'd eat pizza for dinner and then tell myself I had to workout for an hour in the morning to make up for it. or I knew I was bad and gained so I'd do intense cardio before weighing myself. that's not how I want to view exercise. I like to workout! I don't want it to be a chore.
I love water! I drink 2-4 liters a day. or I used to. I used to chug that last liter before bedtime if I hadn't finished it. now I'm lucky to get 1 liter down most days.
when did all this start? did I give up in march and the weight started creeping up so I just thought, doesn't matter what I do, I'm just going to gain it all back? I quit, but I forgot to tell myself that I did.
rather than add this stress to the holidays I'm going to quit for the rest of the year. there are 4 weeks left in December. I'm going to use those 4 weeks to figure out what I want to do. how much do I want to lose. why do I want to lose? i'll regroup then start all over January 2nd.
I'm not going to weigh myself unitl then. I'm not going to consider the amount of calories in something I eat before I eat it. or after. I'm going to eat what looks good. I'm going to enjoy what I'm eating. I'm not going to feel guilty! I'm not going to stress. I'm not going to throw in the towel Wednesday because I ate cheesecake Tuesday. on Wednesday I'm not going to remember what I ate on Tuesday. I'm going to sleep and not wake up depressed because I ate pizza last night and I'm surely going to gain weight. I'm tired of beating myself up. I'm tired of feeling guilty about what I ate.

I'm going to start all over. new goals, new attitude, new outlook. long-term goals, short-term goals. all of it's going to change!

bring on 2016!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • NELLJONES
    In the old days when I lost my weight, no plan ever mentioned water or exercise, yet we lost weight. It can be done!
    1962 days ago
  • STARTINGOVERFME
    I know you can do it, sometimes we have to regroup and just start over again for our self. Nobody is perfect, we either have the choice to get back up or just sit there and look up. :)
    1962 days ago
  • HUYANA_PHOENIX
    I could relate to so much of what you wrote! At various points in my life, I have been there. When things get wildly out of control, it's often not possible to jump right back into all of the healthy habits. Trying to go back to a place we are not ready for can be overwhelming and even detrimental because when we try and can't do it, it can make us feel guilty or like failures.

    Take some time to get into the right mindset. No more sudden liftoffs only to crash and burn. Build up your healthy lifestyle one good habit at a time. Perhaps focus on just water consumption for a while. Don't think about all of the other things that you are not doing yet, focus on what you ARE doing right. As each small step becomes a regular habit, take another step or two to concentrate on.

    You can do this!
    1962 days ago
  • BEACHCALSIX
    Jeanknee has some great advice. Don't pressure yourself or punish yourself. Eat MORE food, but healthy food!
    That is the hardest thing I'm learning as well. Whenever I binge eat I feel like I have to starve myself to get that weight off but the most important thing I should do is start adding in more and more veggies and fruits as well as water. Pretty soon the binge urges go down and the body is getting what it needs. Soon binge cravings go away. I had a 5 lb gain these past 2 months and I'm trying to get it off again without much luck because I've been trying to exercise it off, etc.
    Don't view it as giving up. view it as taking the pressure off, not punishing yourself and getting back to eating healthier with less fast food and processed food.
    Soon you can add some exercise back in if you feel up to it.

    I'm going through the same as you and rooting you on! Let's get through the season together! emoticon
    1963 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13923859
    Our relationship with food is so messy. I totally understand how you feel and share your frustration when considering my own efforts. Don't give up. I hope to see you back.
    1963 days ago
  • JEANKNEE
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    Love yourself. Like SEATTLESIMS, it is small baby steps that have worked for me. No way I could have taken into consideration everything I take into consideration now, then. I wasn't there yet. I was too exhausted and stressed out.

    Added one healthy thing at a time and did not concern myself with another until I felt good about what I'd added and thought that I could manage adding another thing. It was slow going. Sometimes two steps forward and one step back. But, that's okay. It's part of the process.

    What drives and underlies cravings and binge eating can be deeply powerful and overwhelm even the best of intentions. Will power does not cut it. The biological imperative to survive is far too strong. Consider taking a look at this blog by WATERMELEN ...http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypag
    e_public_journal_individual.asp
    ?blog_id=6016944

    Her blog summarizes a video by Susan Pierce Thompson regarding the over-reliance on will power.

    emoticon
    1963 days ago

    Comment edited on: 12/3/2015 10:40:03 PM
  • NEVERORNOW
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1963 days ago
  • GARDENCHRIS
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    1963 days ago
  • LIZSPRINGSTEEN
    YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!
    1963 days ago
  • SEATTLESIMS
    Well, I've found for me, to just add one small healthy goal in at a time, to rebuild.. like commit to getting in your water and focus on that for a week, then the next week add in something else.. baby step my way back to healthy habits.. and look at it as 'adding' stuff back in, not taking stuff away.
    Best of luck to you.. limiting stress is a HUGE factor in this journey, so find what works for you and happy holidays!
    1963 days ago
  • FRITZYS_MAMA
    The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to focus on your health and make positive choices. Giving up and turning to unhealthy food until a particular date is not going to help your reach your goals, nor is it going to make you feel any better. Start small and don't worry about your weight, just make healthful choices and as they add up your motivation and self esteem will rise. Start with 10 minutes of exercise a day and build strength from there. Think positive thoughts and make concrete and attainable goals. You can do it!!
    1963 days ago
  • BDTHOM
    Never give up on yourself and treat yourself with kindness. Loving yourself for who your are right now IS the first step.
    1963 days ago
  • BAMAGR1
    Make some healthier eating choices, try new recipes, join a spinning class at the gym. Small steps in the right direction are better than you realize. You can get back on track and start the new year as a new you. You got this!! I believe in you!!
    1963 days ago
  • STEPHRAEKING
    "Just keep swimming"-Dory
    1963 days ago
  • BAMAGR1
    You have to realize you're worth it! You deserve to feel good inside and out. There's no need to use food to punish yourself more than you already are. Try rewarding yourself! Start a journey journal to hold yourself accountable.
    1963 days ago
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