LADYANDREA2012
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I AM SO, SO SAD FOR KEEP BEING CODEPENDENTLY SICK WITH MY MOM

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

I had been very happy and active with SparkPeople and sparking around every day. I know for sure that if I keep coming back to Sparkpeople sanity and health will stay with me always. So I come to my page and interact with my sparks friends everyday. I am as healthy asI had never before.

Tonight is different and I feel very sad. Today is Tuesday, wateraerobics day which I couldn't join today cause of my injured knee, but still I take my mom to the YMCA and pick her up after class so she can continue with her exercises. Well this afternoon was not different, except that I took my mom on several errands she had to run. She was looking for a medicinal plant for my sister to treat her asthma. While driving to the several places we had to, she told me, three times, that as I was using a drug I was driving with not care, which it is not true at all.

As most of you might know I fell down on December and I broke three of my toes which I am still recovering and my knee got really injure, but thank God it is not broken. Is very painful to walk so I am avoiding it as much as possible while waiting for therapy to be approved by my insurance. To make a long story short I visited a health food store, last week, to get something for the pain and the inflammation and they recommend me the commercial cannabis oil to take by mouth twice a day and to used it as a rub in my knee at night time. Sadly, I was with my mother. She had been arguing that cannabis is a drug "no matter what" and I will end up a drug addict. So today she was telling me that I was been careless while driving "because of that drug you are using".

She told me that I was a dumb if I believed that cannabis oil was medicinal, and she kept telling me how dumb had I turn to be, lately. That was so painful to hear. She was breaking my heart every time she told me that same thing over and over. I was so confused and so in pain, that I came home, took the three drops I had been prescribed and I told my husband to come with me while I drove around and ask him to see if I was careless while driving after taking the three drops of cannabis oil. He assured me that I drove as usual and very careful and that he does not notice anything different in me, that I was acting the same before and after the 3 drops of cannabis oil. Then I drove to my sister's house and explain her what had happen and ask her to be sincere and tell me if she was noticing anything wrong or rare in me and she laughs at me and she explained me that the only diference she was noticing was that I was giving credit to our mom and that I was so in pain and so upset. So I came home and email my daughter that is a doctor and explain everything about the situation and she told me that cannabis is been used to treat cancer and pain and that not give any credit to my mom that commercial cannabis does not make drug addicts. But still I feel upset and unhappy. So I am coming to you all my sparklers friends to see if some of you can give me any light and support in this situation cause I feel so upset and in pain that I feel like going to Walgreen's and get a chocolate kisses bag and eat the whole thing as I used to, just to numb the emotional pain I am feeling now. I felt so degraded and so humiliated by my mom and at the same time so powerless, in front of her, that I was not able to make myself to ask for some consideration and respect from her side. None of my brothers or sister will do for her or with her, what I am doing weekly, while feeling verbally abused by her. I am really in a lot of emotional pain right now.

Please comment and give me your perspective and support, please. Thank you for your time and support your spark friend, Carmen

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LKWQUILTER
    emoticon Never dealt with that so don't really know any constructive info to pass on to you. ((HUGS))
    1526 days ago
  • MIMAWELIZABETH
    It's common for elderly people to have some form of dementia to varying degrees. My MIL has severe Alzheimer's, and DH suffers mental effects similar to dementia due to ESRD and dialysis. When I read this saying, it really helped to change my perspective: "The dementia patient isn't GIVING you a hard time, they're HAVING a hard time."

    Lots of advice in the comments. Some ideas may work, and some aren't practical. However, I hear you 100%: these difficulties with your mom breaks your heart! No matter what you do to change your interactions with her - indeed, whether you change anything at all - your mother-daughter relationship is different, and will continue to be, and that IS sad.

    I see it in DH's face when he tries to talk to his mom, and I see it in myself when I'm frustrated with him! I'm learning to deal with it the same way I deal with other sources of emotional stress and pain. We have to take care of ourselves. It's not selfish to say "no" when you think something could be too much to handle. Believe in yourself!!! Best wishes~

    1729 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/25/2016 9:42:46 PM
  • BECCABOO127
    I would tell my mother that we have to agree to disagree, and then say we have to talk about something nice or I have to leave. I would also not tell her of my personal stuff. What you are using for your knee is really not her business.

    I would also seek out a therapist to speak to to help with what appears to be boundary issues with some of your family members. Talk therapy is extremely helpful with the right therapist, and will help to lessen your sad feelings.

    Sending plenty of hugs your way!

    emoticon
    1883 days ago
  • CHERYLHURT
    Hugs!
    1893 days ago
  • GENRE009
    Well now you have a starting point, and can change what is happening to you. Find out if there are services in your city for the elderly, and have them pick her up & take her home. Usually it's at the library, or city hall. Is she really old? Why does she depend on you so much, doesn't she drive. Or if you can't tell her that you are only taking her around once a week, to where she needs to go. And if she keeps criticizing you, then she had better find another means of transportation. Tell her that you don't need the negativity in your life, you have enough problems without her trying to make you feel bad. Stick up for yourself. I know she probably won't listen, but if she keeps doing it, then turn that car around, and drop her back off at home. She'll learn. No one needs to have people in their lives that make them feel bad. eva
    1894 days ago
  • ANGIEN9
    There is nothing wrong with taking medication that has been prescribed for you. Whether it be cannibis oil or antidepressant medication. Take care of your knee. Keeep getting positive reinforcement from you trusted people. Your Mom must be unhappy and is taking it out on you. Sorry you hurt your knee and I hope you will skip eating the whole bag of kisses and keep it to a serving. Everything in moderation!! Keep hanging in there! Codependency is not an easy thing to overcome.
    Take care,
    Angie
    1905 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/1/2016 12:47:21 PM
  • -JAMES-
    I am only adding my opinion.

    My Father was unreasonable with me when he got older. Nothing could make him happy. He had a comfortable life, but after my mom died he wanted me to do things for him even though he was perfectly capable. If I didn't go shopping for him he was unhappy. If I didn't see him twice a week he was unhappy. When I moved to a different house, within the same city and only a 5 minute further drive from his house he took it that I was abandoning him by moving further away.

    All in all I had to decide to make me happy, and that any bending that I did to try to make him happy was not having that result, and was only making me unhappy. One day I just decided that I had to do "reasonable" things, and not more. In that thought I suddenly had a good conscience, I was aiming for the greater happiness between both of us, not putting his minor gain first.
    1908 days ago
  • FORESTPAL
    You've gotten so many good responses. I have a friend who sounds just like your Mom. No amount of logic or common sense can budge her from her opinions, & it's a waste of time to try. I say don't tell her stuff. Figure out a way to change the subject. And lastly, my favorite: If you always do what you always do, you'll always be in deep do do.
    1909 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10502066
    look at your response !!!!! this is awesome

    first i would tell my mom. its un acceptable behavior to speak to you in that manner. nest take your power back from her. dont let her control your emotions. think with logic.. place those negative feelings aside emoticon
    1909 days ago
  • JANET552
    Don't give one person's complaints more weight than everyone else's comments combined. What your mother is saying and doing is her problem, not yours. Ignore it. Take care of yourself and tune your mother out.
    1909 days ago
  • TEXASFILLY
    emoticon BB~
    1909 days ago
  • JANISMKW
    Dear Carmen, I am sorry you are being treated this way and that you are in physical and emotional pain.

    I can identify with a lot in your situation, the verbally abusive mother, the siblings not doing their share, sacrificing your needs for everyone else. I've been (am) there.

    You use the word co-dependent in your title, which tells me you know a bit about what's going on here. A book I found life-changing and empowering is "Facing Codependence" by Pia Melody. She writes from her own heart and experience, I can't recommend it strongly enough.

    I think you need to set some boundaries with your mother, such as (calmly) saying things like, "I am not going to discuss this with you now." You can pray for her and pray to have the right words to say.

    God bless and best wishes.
    1909 days ago
  • RETIREESMITH
    Sorry you're dealing with your physical pain and now this emotional pain. You must take care of yourself, and working on ridding yourself of the pain and healing is important right now. If your mother doesn't see this as a priority, then you'll need to tell your mother that you'll continue to take the doctor-prescribed medication and if she thinks you're not a safe driver, then she'll need to find other transportation.
    1909 days ago
  • KERRYG155
    Sorry your mom is giving you such grief. One of my daughter's friends was given a pill for pain after a liver transplant and asked my daughter what it was. She read the name and told Val it was marijuana. It is used and does help with pain. Maybe someone's could help educate your mom.
    1909 days ago
  • METAFUKARI
    One person's feelings should not dictate how you feel about yourself when so many others have lifted you up and said you are being very careful and safe. Granted the parents words and actions can hurt us. You need to speak with your Mom and let her know you get what she is feeling and address her concerns and if she persists then let her know she needs to find someone else to help her with her needs because you will not subject yourself to negativity or abuse.

    Sometimes you have to distance yourself from abuse and people who are bad for you so you can live a good life.
    1910 days ago
  • DIETER27
    emoticon you have gotten some good advice here. Take care.
    1910 days ago
  • IGNITEME101
    My ....

    Listen to your GOD, your DR. and OBEY your conscience, in that order. lol

    Mom's are often wrong. Becoming a mom requires no training.
    The oil you're taking can help. It is legal.
    Can't let others, (the world) control you by their JUDGMENTS!
    praying for you.
    You are NOT alone in this fight.
    Many people have turned to this alternative medicine as traditional meds no longer work or never worked to begin with. Plus it's cost efficient, natural and MANKIND has not had hands on it to corrupt it with dangerous chemicals that cause hideous side effects, some resulting in death.
    It is important to honor your mom Mine has been dead 41years. Would LOVE to have her in my life.
    Still would not allow her to hurt me with words.
    Listen to others here who have told you how to handle it.







    1910 days ago
  • HAPPYSOUL91
    It is your mom's problem, not yours...so please don't buy into it.
    1910 days ago
  • no profile photo CD11229317
    I empathize with you so much! I endured a similar relationship with my father. What's tough about strained family relationships is that they are family and won't go away. She will always be your mother. I encourage you to speak up for yourself and tell your mom that you hear her, but you disagree with her. Tell her that you're all grown up and can take care of yourself. And you can!!! emoticon

    My dad died before I got the courage to speak up to him and tell him how I felt about how he hurt me. I sorely regret that I never stood up for myself. emoticon
    1910 days ago
  • IAMAGEMLOVER
    My next door neighbor when I was small had cancer, and he smoked pot for the pain. That is a drug and illegal and yet the Dr. told him to do it. It has been proven to have medicinal purposes, that is why it is legal in certain states up to a certain quantity with a prescription, Alaska being one. The oil could not be sold in the stores if it was a drug. Your Mom is wrong and sounds like she is emotionally abusive. My Mom is like that, doesn't mean to be, just their nature. emoticon
    1910 days ago
  • CANNINGNANNY
    Hi...If you are that fragile to criticism, then avoid that situation ! You have to take care of yourself FIRST before you can take care of someone else.
    Please quit allowing your mom to speak to you that way. If you explain to her how much she hurts you but keeps on talking to you like you are stupid, then she needs to find someone else to help her with her errands...After all you are to Stupid to be responsible ! (her thoughts, not mine)
    I'm sorry, that I am so blunt, but I have a really hard time when people allow themselves to be taken advantage of...
    She's only talking to you that way because she knows she can.
    OXOX
    I'm Sending you Strength thru my prayers !
    1910 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/27/2016 11:49:55 AM
  • ODAT1117
    There is so much I could say and everyone is chiming in with my same thoughts. Your mother's behavior is about HER and NOT about YOU!!!!! She is behaving that way because of something about her. It's not you, it's HER. That doesn't mean she's bad or evil, it just means she feels the need to say things like that because of something about her. Here's the most important part:

    You cannot change other people's behavior. You can only change your reaction to it.


    It will take time and baby steps and lots of validation but it is very much worth it. You did the right thing by reaching out for support. Just keep reaching out and keep accepting the validation. It's one day at a time, one baby step at a time.

    Keep moving forward!!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1910 days ago
  • NEVERORNOW
    Your mother was extremely rude and out of line. I would back away from her, at least temporarily, to give yourself time to take care of yourself. Sometimes that's the only way to deal with those who hurt us, to distance ourselves from them. And maybe she will realize how much she hurt you and how wrong she was. Or maybe she won't. You can't change her. You are a sweet, precious, caring person, and quite capable of making your own decisions, she has no right to tell you what you are doing is wrong. I went thru a lot of abuse from my mother, and had to finally put distance between myself and her for my own well-being and sanity. Sending hugs and prayers.
    1910 days ago
  • EBURGITE
    "there are nearly 7.5 billion people in the world. don't let that one person ruin it for you."

    if your mom gets a bone, refuses to let it go, and beats you with it, you might want to just say, "since you don't trust me to drive, please find someone else to do so." i can't address the oil issue, but i can speak about setting personal boundaries in relationships. unfortunately, people will treat us as poorly as we allow them to. if we consistently say, "NO, you may NOT behave like that towards me if you want a relationship." and they continue to be hurtful, they've made it clear, the relationship isn't as important as their choice to be abusive. walk away. calmly. resolutely. tell them when they're ready to treat you respectfully, you will try again.
    1910 days ago
  • STARTING-ANEW
    Oh sweetie...I feel for you...I too had a mother who just did not understand...
    If you are using the oil as prescribed and there are no effects...use it ....you can try to explain to your mom, but, that may not work...
    I hope you heal, and, you will...it just takes time..
    1910 days ago
  • SDEHNKE
    emoticon
    1910 days ago
  • MORTICIAADDAMS
    To be honest, I don't know anything about commercial cannabis oil. In Illinois cannabis is legal now if your have a medical prescription that it can be used for. As a nurse, I don't think people who are sick should ever be denied a medication that can help them. Tons of people of my generation used marijuana decades ago as a recreational drug and they know that it is not the gateway to addiction that some profess it to be. Most likley your mother is older and fell for the misinformation that was fed to all of us. I consider marijuana to be a fairly harmless drug compared to other drugs people could be taking. All meds have side effects including over the counter meds, prescription meds, and illegal meds. I don't tolerate most medication so I don't take much of anything, (other than my B.P. meds, some vitamins, an occasional tylenol, and claritan,) unless I have to. It's a personal choice. I feel others should have the ability to make the same choice about what they put into their own bodies.
    1910 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5288236
    emoticon You have a lot of great advice that I agree with. Please take some time to just breathe, then read back through the advice and decide what you can and will do to deal with your mother.

    My mother does not treat me well and it caused me much pain until I stopped allowing her to wield power over me. I have set boundaries with her that I keep in place and will always keep in place. I hope that my mother will change, but I do not long for it or wait for it. I pray for her and ask God to show me how to love her.

    I believe that my mother is hurting and that it must be a deep hurt that happened early in her life. That isn't an excuse for her behavior, but an explanation of it. There is a saying: "hurt people hurt people". If you do not deal with your hurt in a "healthy" manner you will poison everything in your life. I have seen it in my mother's life and in the lives of others.

    I was determined not to become like my mother so I sought counseling and other tools to help me deal with my hurts. I am a work in progress, but I am not like my mother. My children and grandchildren love me and want to spend time with me. I have friends who are integral parts of my life. And, I am enjoying my life as I count my many blessings.

    It seems that I have written a book for you which wasn't my intention. I hope that in some small way I have given you some hope to know that there is an awesome, blessed life on the other side of dealing with a parent like your mother.

    emoticon
    1910 days ago
  • GARDENCHRIS
    I'm sorry you are so upset by this. The store would not be able to sell anything illegal, so that excuse is out the window.
    and you are not 12 anymore, your mother does not get to tell you how to live your life! Just tell her , that is your opinion, and I have a different one. So enough said.
    we each have to detach from our parents. My mom didn't like the name I'd picked out for one of my sons (Joshua) and told me she would call him by his middle name. Micheal, I said well then I guess you won't be seeing him. His name is Joshua! And who are you to be talking about names? you named one of your sons ALWIN, so don't even go there. I didn't come around for awhile she got the message. Hang in there and take control of yourself.NO ONE gets to control you but you! emoticon
    1910 days ago
  • I_CHOOSE
    Consider saying "Thank you, Mother. I appreciate your concern". Then do what you need to do for yourself.

    You do, after all, appreciate her concern. Just not the nagging and belittling that came with it!


    1910 days ago
  • SLIMMERKIWI
    I am sending you a BIG hug. I dare say that your mother's comments are based on total lack of knowledge and the (IMHO) deservedly bad rap that cannabis has. I will qualify that last part by adding that the bad rap is for the sort of cannabis that people take for mind-altering properties, NOT the medicinal oil which is legitimately prescribed in many places now, based on peer-reviewed scientific research. .

    Is your daughter the Dr able to send her some literature regarding this? Maybe she will take more notice from her!

    BIG hugs,
    Kris
    1910 days ago
  • MARINGAL
    I wonder why you give all your power to your mother when she emotionally hurts you? Why do you allow her to push your buttons? Please, don't take this as an insult but maybe you need a little adjusting in your coping skills and don't let your mother give you any crap! Set boundaries! And maybe choose to spend less time with her! My goodness!
    1910 days ago
  • WANDEREREXILED
    You don't know me. But take this from a guy who grew up with a mother who was hateful towards him (you can read my first blog to get an idea), that sometimes you got to not let it bother you. If your mother is into Medicinal plants, then she should be open to learning about Cannabis oils. However, if she just doesn't want to learn and still treats you like dirt, the only choices you have is to cut her off, for your emotional well being, or to treat it as empty ignorant words with no meaning.

    Also, I get high off of energy drinks and this oil doesn't do a thing but help me gain weight!

    Here's a link to Cannabis resources including the difference between marijuana and "Hemp" oil and research studies (lots of studies):

    https://healthyhem
    poil.com/cannabidiol/?hvid=3ITm
    Nj

    Hopefully it helps!

    emoticon
    1910 days ago
  • DEBIGENE
    Sounds to me like you need to have a serious talk with your mom in a kind, caring, and loving way and let her know you need some time apart and why.

    You're a grown woman and you must stand up for yourself and not let that little girl inside you let your mom treat you like one. She needs to know how much you love her but also know that you know what is best for you at this time in your life.

    Be kind, be loving and pray for God's guidance as you deal with this matter. Have faith and let Him take this burden.

    God bless you both.
    1910 days ago
  • DETERMINEDJANET
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Canna
    bis

    Interesting read on cannibis. I can see why if you google it that you might thing "drug" because marijuana links come up with others and they do say it is used "recreationally."

    BUT...didn
    't see anything that would hinder your clarity, etc.

    emoticon

    It is so hard when we are treated like that from family and/or friends.
    1910 days ago
  • LPORTER2015
    From my perspective, it sounds like you may be under a lot of pressure on all fronts...Take some time for reflection when you can...Go to your quiet place and repeat after me...Lord, I am willing to be still i your arms, still in your light, still in your love. I am willing to see you in me and release all that is not...I am willing to know you in my life, to preserve you in my heart, to open myself to more of you as what I am...In stillness I see you...I hear you...I feel you...In stillness I accept you. Lord, let me be still, just for today...AMEN...Be encouraged my friend...
    1910 days ago
  • LINDA!
    I am so sorry that your mother says such hurtful things to you. I know that she is incorrect about cannabis oil. It is not addictive. It is often used for medical reasons. I don't know the age of your mother, I would think she older because of her fear of the oil. Either way, you are an adult and should not be treated this way. You are doing so much to help her. Perhaps, you should tell her that if she cannot talk to you in a civil manner, you will be unable to drive on her errands. emoticon
    1910 days ago
  • 2BDYNAMIC
    Personally I think some of the other siblings need to step up and share the burden of your mother and I'm wondering why it falls on your shoulders?..... I have never been one to believe that just because a parent is a parent that that should ever give them a right to degrade their children regardless of their age........ I personally had to tell my mother as a grown adult that either she treat me with respect and stop degrading me or I was not going to talk to her........ I may not be the best person to advise because my mother and I have not spoken in over 10 years and that is the way it goes.... Just because she brought me into this world is no reason to be her doormat or her whipping post and I refuse to let her or anyone else treat me like that........ and one more thing just because I came from my mothers womb does not mean she is my mother....... I was beaten ,slapped ,humiliated ,and called stupid my entire life! does this really sound like a mother?...... and as for the treatment you are taking I think you should tell your mother it really is your business and she needs to mind her own business and if she doesn't like you're driving tell her to call a cab.........😆........ My empathy does go out to you.
    1910 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/26/2016 10:28:43 PM
  • no profile photo CD16015149
    You already got some good advice above. I will just add a prayer and emoticon !
    1910 days ago
  • DCHANCE6
    Do not let your mother get you off track! She is wrong, and you've confirmed it over and over again with others in your family. Don't use her getting you upset and an excuse to do something you will be upset with yourself over.
    1910 days ago
  • SHECHAM
    Lois said it well. Clearly you love your mom dearly...but that does not have to include letting her make you feel so bad... when she says something again...be ready with a comment to address it and end it... I understand you feel that way and am sorry if you are worried about me... I have done my research... and I am fine...Repeat as needed... it will help you feel better about yourself because you will believe yourself... and it will hopefully end the discussion. If it does not go to broken record mode and just say please stop until she does. Sending you encouragement and support.... emoticon emoticon
    1910 days ago
  • no profile photo CD16070360
    The love you have for you mother is so deep and genuine. You hate to disappoint her when she thinks that she is right. However, precious our mothers are, they are not right about everything. You have your family on your side in this matter. I would do my best to ignore what your mom said. HOn, I know from something DH and I are experiencing with a family member that needs constant watching over, that verbal abuse hurts. We finally just turned it over to God for another battle for him to fight for us. Forgive your mom, ignore her as much as possible about the med. Try not to take it in front of her.
    Praying for you my friend,
    Hang in there.
    Lois
    1910 days ago
  • 1CRAZYDOG
    Do not listen to your Mom. She is wrong. Plain and simple.
    1910 days ago

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