How did I get here and why I refuse to let go....
Thursday, June 09, 2016
I have been your typical success story, I set my mind to losing weight in 2007 and I did it. I used SP faithfully and it worked for me. Here I am 8 years later totally frustrated with my life and desperately trying to figure out just why and how to get myself up and running again... Literally!! I know what it is, it is fear and looking back on my pasts blogs I see the pattern of the same struggle, being so tremendously hard on myself. If I do good, I want better and if I do better I want even more better, it's never enough and honestly it is driving me crazy.
How did I get here, well I've gained 30lbs back of my original 85lbs lost and I although I am trying to stay body positive, this is not where I would like to be. I feel heavy and tired most of the time. I have to wear stretchy pants and constantly beat myself up when it comes to eating. I say today is going to be different, I start off with a green smoothie and end up eating a cheeseburger and large fries at the end of the day. I am so tired and being a past motivator, no one else but me can say that I know I am lacking decision. When I try to visualize me at 175lbs something in my mind just tells me it's never going to happen. When did I become this way? Have I just accepted that I will be this weight forever or have I accepted that somehow I do not feel I deserve to live a life in where I am finally at peace with my weight? There is definitely more to my problem then just the overeating. I know it's deep inside...it's called FEAR! At times I want to cry with frustration because I know what I need to do to lose the weight, I also know what is stopping me from losing it. I just can't seem to figure out why exactly I keep allowing it to happen. I am unhappy and tired of always accepting less in my life all because I feel like it is bad to want more. I know my potential, I know I am strong. I don't want to die and always have the desire to be healed and whole. I don't want to die and never have faced this problem and had resolution to it once and for all!