facing the root
Sunday, August 14, 2016
Sixty plus years I have lived and usually I go along, get along, putter, without much thought or direction. For at least 40 of those years I have been trying to lose weight, keep weight off, or "look pretty." Something in the last few days has made me think back to my teen-aged self, when I was happy with who and what I was. What changed?
I don't have all the answers, or even most of them, but the journey has begun, and something tells me it will be a long, sometimes painful, and ultimately rewarding one. One realization I have come to is this: I started my weight-gain lifestyle when I didn't know how to deal with situations. I was pretty as a teen-ager and that brought me attention from the male of the species. I didn't know what to do with that attention and didn't feel I could approach my family or friends with these insecurities and uncertainties. And somewhere in the twisty depths of my subconscious, the answer must have appeared: don't be attractive. I never consciously had this thought, mind you, but scarfing Pop-Tarts certainly took the social pressure off.
As I look back over these decades, even sadder than the weight gain I experienced and the subsequent weight warfare is the fact that I still haven't found peace in social situations. I still feel inadequate. I still am surprised that anyone wants to talk to me. How lame is that!
BUT I do have the clarity now to see that weight loss is NOT my major goal.
Finding peace with my self and believing that I have value each moment of each day, embracing the joy that is waiting for me each morning--THIS is my ultimate goal. This is what I will work toward, today and every day.