Bordering on depression here...
Sunday, October 09, 2016
I am at a total loss. And on the verge of tears. I know this gets harder as we get older but to work your butt off and see little if any reward - or worse, a punishment of weight GAIN - really starts to play games with your head.
So this past week I celebrated an anniversary...one year since I quit smoking (again). October 3, 2015 was my last cigarette (not counting a handful of slip-ups over the past year) and the weight started to creep up almost immediately. Amazing what things like that can do to your metabolism at this age (58). In 2009 when I first joined Sparkpeople, I was also at 140 pounds - a 20 lb gain at that time. It happened gradually and I hadn't even realized it until I went to the doctor for a check up and they weighed me. My jaw hit the floor when I saw that number. It was my doctor who recommended I join an online service so I signed up for Sparkpeople. I buckled down and lost 25 pounds in 3 months. Sparkpeople became my hero. I became a major foodie and started cooking new recipes for healthy meals and I kept it off for several years. It crept up now and then but the kicker was quitting smoking last Fall.
So when I hit 142 a month ago I decided I had had enough. It was time to buckle down again. Little did I know that just 7 years later it would be next to impossible to have the same results I did in 2009. For the first two weeks of the past month I logged everything I ate. I watched the carb/fat/protein intake. I made sure I was working out at least 5 days a week and added strength training to the mix - 2 to 3 days a week. Two weeks later I had GAINED 2.5 pounds! I wanted to cry then but decided I was NOT going to let the scale define me or make me cave in. So I continued on. Was more careful about what I was putting in my mouth and ramped the workouts up to 6 - 7 days a week. Aerobics 6 - 7 days a week, walking every day I could for at least 30 - 60 minutes and a minimum 30 minutes of weight training 2 - 3 times a week. Last weekend the number on the scale dropped 3 pounds and I was ecstatic. I was on my way! So I was relentless again this past week. No matter how little I felt like working out, I got it done. I live in my damned Fitbit and I tracked every single calorie, was determined to make that minimum 10,000 steps every single day and a calorie diff of at least 500 per day. I expected to lose at least 1 or 2 pounds when I got on the scale this morning. So what did I see when I stepped on that cursed thing this morning? A HALF POUND GAIN! My husband (who of course can eat ANYTHING he wants and never gain a damned ounce) is trying to be supportive telling me things like maybe there is something wrong with the scale (I wish!) Or maybe it's water. Or maybe this, or maybe that. I know he is trying to make me feel better but it's not working.
This is not fair. I do not want to give up and I try so hard to stay motivated. I know that starving myself is NOT the answer as this can have the opposite of the desired effect. So what do I do? Keep plugging on with a routine that is obviously NOT working?
Right now I feel like crawling into bed and staying there. But I will try to get into my workout clothes, pick up those weights and then do the 45 minute step routine.
But I'm starting to think it is all for nothing. And THAT is beginning to cause depression.
UPDATE AT 6:30PM: Thanks to all the Sparkers who have chimed in with words of motivation. I picked my butt up off the floor, put on the workout clothes, dragged out the yoga mat and the weights and the resistance band and the step and I did my full workout. It is true that exercise makes you fell better emotionally. Here's to next Sunday's weigh-in bringing better results.