Finding strength and peace while admist feeling devastated **Warning: May contain emotional triggers
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
These last two weeks have been super hard, facing the loss of the pregnancy. I have gone through almost every emotion. I do not blame myself for it happening (I have a biomedical science background and work in biomedical research) but still have felt myself hiding it from others. I have felt everything from shame to being terrified to tell others for fear they would belittle what I’m feeling and going though, that they would say it wasn’t real or that you shouldn’t feel that way as it happened so early on. Even though I was only 4.5 weeks when it happened, I am still devastated and mourning the loss of the baby. I speak out now, in hopes that if anyone else is going though it and afraid to tell others… don’t be afraid. There are numerous women out there who have been though it too.
I am still scared to try again, even though I know there is nothing biologically wrong or preventing me from doing so. We desperately want a child, so I will face down the fear together with my husband.
I have lost about 6 ½ pounds since it has happened. At first it was due to lack of appetite, but now it is due to channeling emotions into walking (taking it semi easy physically with intensity) and into painting miniatures (a way to keep my hands busy and to avoid stuffing my emotions with food). Painting for me is almost meditative/zen like. I can lose hours painting and not realize it until I look up.
Only a couple close friends know about it, but I am tired of pretending it didn’t happen and of avoiding admitting it (to prevent from having to face what happened). However, once I have mentioned it to my BLC Honey Badgers team members (some earlier than others), I have received nothing but a huge outpouring of concern and support. Even when they did not know what exactly had been going on these last few weeks, I was being asked if I was okay and how I was feeling. This support has been HUGE for me.
I know I will be okay. I am stronger than I ever knew. I am taking it day by day now. I have learned so much about myself though. I have HUGE amounts of things to be thankful for in my life at the moment and this experience makes me appreciate them all the more…. The support of my husband first and foremost, my friends, a great job, and great friends here in Spark (especially my fellow Honey Badgers). I have been focusing on taking care of me, and doing so in a healthy way. I can not thank SparkPeople enough for helping me do that.