11/16/16

I am in a dark place where I don't want to be and can't seem to get myself out of.
This back injury ... I have been doing all that I am supposed to do. Behaving. I have put on so much weight which I am sure is making it worse. I am really stepping up my eating choices. I am so restricted with movement it really has me down and depressed. I have been trying to overlook the pain and just get on with the days, be positive and do what I am allowed and able. This past weekend I started me having a very very hard time being positive or hopeful about my injury getting better. In fact I feel like I went backward a few steps. I have talked to my doctor about this. Ibuprofen isn't helping the discomfort. And I am not willing to take anything more unless something major happens again. I have been in a constant doctors care, even more than one doctors at the same time since this happened.
Going on 2 months now. I am so sad. Especially it being compounded by all the sad things going on around my family. No control. I keep telling myself I can control my eating and food choices. I can control the very very little I am allowed to do. I used to be able to control my emotions about all this. But not since the weekend. I felt it coming on the whole week prior to that too.
I got on the scale carefully today to verify the weight I have gained. I needed to know it was there to motivate myself to make better choices. I am sure the weight is making my recovery slower and worse.
It has been getting to me I can't ride my bike, stretch the way I want to, do many if not almost all of what I am used to doing. Monday's doctor's appointment crushed my hopes of being at the end or much closer to the end of recovery. Restrictions were laid of to me specifically and I told him I was very disappointed.
I know most likely I WILL get better. Time, patience is what I need. I am hoping this deep heavy depression I am in will pass on its own.
I am able to slowly walk. I have been doing too much of it. I can stretch my hamstrings and my glutes. I need to practice picking my feet higher up. I do carry my walker with me in the car just in case. I don't use it. I am depending on my healing torso/back.
I admitted all of this to my husband over the past couple of days. I am good at digging deep but this just really has me at the bottom of the pit. I have guilt for that because my husband's father is struggling. And I don't want to burden my husband with worry over me. I'd rather him focus on his dad. I will be around longer.
After this, I have decided to keep my mouth shut. Only say anything about my back or pain if I need immediate medical attention. Otherwise friends and family wont hear a peep from me about it.
I am trying my hardest to suck it up. Gather myself. And keep digging deep. I consider myself a very strong person too. I will have to find that person again somewhere some how.