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Wednesday, November 16, 2016

I am in a dark place where I don't want to be and can't seem to get myself out of.
This back injury ... I have been doing all that I am supposed to do. Behaving. I have put on so much weight which I am sure is making it worse. I am really stepping up my eating choices. I am so restricted with movement it really has me down and depressed. I have been trying to overlook the pain and just get on with the days, be positive and do what I am allowed and able. This past weekend I started me having a very very hard time being positive or hopeful about my injury getting better. In fact I feel like I went backward a few steps. I have talked to my doctor about this. Ibuprofen isn't helping the discomfort. And I am not willing to take anything more unless something major happens again. I have been in a constant doctors care, even more than one doctors at the same time since this happened.
Going on 2 months now. I am so sad. Especially it being compounded by all the sad things going on around my family. No control. I keep telling myself I can control my eating and food choices. I can control the very very little I am allowed to do. I used to be able to control my emotions about all this. But not since the weekend. I felt it coming on the whole week prior to that too.
I got on the scale carefully today to verify the weight I have gained. emoticon I needed to know it was there to motivate myself to make better choices. I am sure the weight is making my recovery slower and worse.
It has been getting to me I can't ride my bike, stretch the way I want to, do many if not almost all of what I am used to doing. Monday's doctor's appointment crushed my hopes of being at the end or much closer to the end of recovery. Restrictions were laid of to me specifically and I told him I was very disappointed.
I know most likely I WILL get better. Time, patience is what I need. I am hoping this deep heavy depression I am in will pass on its own.
I am able to slowly walk. I have been doing too much of it. I can stretch my hamstrings and my glutes. I need to practice picking my feet higher up. I do carry my walker with me in the car just in case. I don't use it. I am depending on my healing torso/back.
I admitted all of this to my husband over the past couple of days. I am good at digging deep but this just really has me at the bottom of the pit. I have guilt for that because my husband's father is struggling. And I don't want to burden my husband with worry over me. I'd rather him focus on his dad. I will be around longer.
After this, I have decided to keep my mouth shut. Only say anything about my back or pain if I need immediate medical attention. Otherwise friends and family wont hear a peep from me about it.
I am trying my hardest to suck it up. Gather myself. And keep digging deep. I consider myself a very strong person too. I will have to find that person again somewhere some how.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I can relate to your situation. The back pain restricts movement so much, it makes you feel trapped. The more restricted your movement, the smaller your world becomes. It can feel like a prison. If you can, keep breathing deeply, thinking calming thoughts. I am sending you all the warm, encouraging vibes I can.
    1610 days ago
  • SANDEN2006
    Praying for you. I hear the pain in your words. I know about back pain. It is the unseen pain nobody seems to understand. Stay positive in mind and strong in body. You can make it through this.
    1611 days ago
    Sending you a big hug... that strong version of yourself is just have to believe.
    1611 days ago
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