get in line and get your number, i will be on the outside looking in....
Wednesday, March 08, 2017
I posted a blog yesterday, but deleted it after realizing it was way too long. i sometimes forget when to stop typing. But anyway, for those wondering, No, I didnt have the surgery. This was decided upon by both myself for the fact that I was just not feeling ready for the psychological and emotional changes one goes thru after such a major life changing surgery....I have alot of stress and depression that I havent worked thru, some recent life issues that need to be worked thru and dealt with before I take on any more.
And, secondenly by the surgeon, because my bp was way too high the day before surgery, and even though she told me it could come down overnight and I might arrive to the surgery that morning with a good bp, she felt there was some underlying, yet discovered cause of my bp staying so high all the time.
So, for now, it isnt rescheduled, but it isnt totally off the table.
I had gotten so down over the weeks leading up to surgery, I felt like every single person I spoke to was only concerned about the date of my surgery, every single conversation I had was about the surgery, no one ever asked how I felt or what I wanted.
I knew that if I had the surgery, from now on, I would be the woman who had sleeve surgery and every person would be asking how much weight I had or hadnt lost, every aspect of my life had become about that surgery.
I no longer felt like a person,.
I found myself becoming obsessed with that one thing. A friend suggested I visit a website support group for sleeve patients.
I watched vlogs one right after the other and what I gained from it, was NOTHING had changed for those people either, maybe the size of pants they wore, or the number on their scale, but nothing about them had changed.
There were videos of people depressed angry and overwhelmed that they hadnt lost as much weight or had gained a pound, or had eaten something they werent supposed to, or had to deal with loose skin, or sagging chin, or boobs, or had figured a way to cheat on their diet, some had regained..the same thing anyone deals with every day that tries to lose weight, counting carbs, counting calories.
I heard people referring to themselves as sleeved or a sleever or a wls'er. It was like that was all they identified as.
I was overwhelmed, fearful, I want to be Valarie, not the sleeved.
I need to find myself and my purpose before going there.
For now, I am doing good, I am working out, walking, counting, sparking, and just trying to be well. As usual.