I have realised I have fallen into a pattern of mothering which my mother followed, and which is probably so frustrating for her ! As I have so many more opportunities than she had, but seem unable to avail myself of them.
Well I have had a realisation ! ( This I think is a great title for another blog !) I need to be the kind of mother I want my daughter to be. All of my life I have heard my mother say I never managed to get educated or to do what I wanted, I had to prioritise the home and children, I realise that her words bind me in a siren call. Its the tune I dance to unconsciously.
WELL NO MORE !
I am now resolved to be work on my issues and keep moving forward. I believe my mother is dyslexic, I have seen her start 100 no 1000 times on basic teach yourself english books and never really make it past the fist stage, and yet she is such a smart person, in so many other ways. She has never enroled into an english class for speakers of other languages although I have found them for her....I see now that this is a pattern of avoidance, it is more comfortable to lament about the challenges of our pasts and hide behind difficulties than to step up and out of our comfort zones and risk failure !
I also have a son recently diagnosed with Tourettes/OCD/ADHD he was unable to attend school for a year as his difficulties came to a head as he entered adolescence. I had finally drummed up enough courage to enroll for some degree level Psychology units. I had to back out when he was asked not to return to school untill he was on medication.
I have realised I struggle with organisation too !
Exercise and yoga ..particularly dancing really helps me too. I also have started taking a probiotic ! I have greatly reduced my Wheat and dairy intake, and eat alot of greens now...everythimg I have had to do with my son in fact.
I now dance every day and I love it ...my fitbit tells me its helping me manage my weight too..although it brings me so much joy that that is reason enough !
My journey with my son has taught me that you can only start where you are with what you have. once you accept that of course anything becomes possible ...one joyful step at a time 774 days ago
Of course from my entry you would think that as the mother-lode (load!) as it were, is receeding as I prepare to launch my young off into their lives, what is becoming apparent is how difficult it is to spend time with my husband.
My husband of course is having his own struggles and I'm sure is also finding it hard to spend time with me. Its hard to know if the kindest thing all round would be to seperate. I am often hurt by what he says, comments like 'you are useless' or 'you are stone-hearted' really sting. I find myself wondering if I am being too sensitive ? Would it be unethical to get a webcam and film our interaction...as a CBT excercise ?
Taking care of others while also taking care of ourselves is an ongoing challenge. Even when they leave home you can be in the habit of prioritizing the world over yourself, so the time to do something about it is now! The world is always with us, until we find a way to enter our own alone-ness, that is always waiting for us like a dear friend.
And great to read your blog and the comments as well.