30,000-39,999 SparkPoints 31,869

Maintenance is TOUGH!

Monday, June 05, 2017

Hello All!

I am back for my annual blog post and check in (lol--I don't really want it to be, it just seems to be my cycle) and talk about what I've been up to.

When you last left me, I was 155, size 8 and really excited to be remotely close to my goal. Today, I am 160.3, still a size 6 and having a tough time finding a balance. More then a balance, I'm having a tough time deciding if I'm "done" losing weight. I still have a little belly fat, my numbers are all in the healthy range (except, of course for the BMI, but I don't listen to that outdated system--I have a very muscular frame and it doesn't account for that) and I've been doing Crossfit for a little over a month. Hence the weight gain--to a degree.

I got down to 147, and reverse-dieted to a more balanced diet instead of weight-loss. I went on vacation. I didn't really stick to the regulations I set on myself. But I started exercising. HARD. Harder than I ever have and I LOVE it. I feel so strong (unless we're doing pull-ups....I suck at those!) and am really amazed at what my body can accomplish. I started noticing my thighs bulking up and my booty getting a really nice round shape--though it didn't make getting into my skinny jeans easier. But the added muscle was an ok addition. In fact, I gained over 8 pounds of muscle according to my weight-loss coach's fancy scale. Dang.

BUT, I also found myself falling into old behaviors and I started to have hormonal problems. Ugh. I have PCOS and have been on birth control pills to regulate myself for most of my life. About 2 years ago, I got off with the idea of expanding our family, though not really trying (I'M OVULATING!! NOW--LET'S GO! --Nope) but not preventing, and being happy if pregnancy happened.

So long story short, I ended up rupturing 2 ovarian cysts since my hormones are all out of whack. Ugh. Worse pain then child birth for me. I had to take 11 days off of intense workouts. I also celebrated my parent's 40th anniversary the way I normally would have--huge meal, plus bad food on the way to Houston and back--and last Tuesday I weighed in at 167. Yikes. That is 20 TWENTY pounds after making it down to my adjusted goal weight.

Yes, some of that is muscle--but not 20 pounds worth. So, I am back on track (much of that was probably water weight/fluid retention) and I am down to 160.3 this morning.

But here's my question--what SHOULD I be at? What is an ideal weight where I can be ok with that number and how I look/feel? If I eat my calorie/carb-restricting diet that worked really well for me without exercise, I don't know that it would be beneficial for me to do Crossfit as I'm not giving myself enough calories. If I follow a different plan, my crazy hormone whacked out body could work against me and refuse to lose. I hate that my body is dependent on synthetic hormones, but I think the answer is, I'm not 100% happy at 160.

But I think a lot of that is in my head. I still see the size 16 me in the mirror. I still see that roll of belly fat no one else notices. And bathing suit shopping?! Ugh. I go from a size 16 to a 6 and there's no way I'd ever be able to be in a bikini, which I had hoped to do at some point in my life. I have too much skin and a little bit too much fat.

I feel like maintaining my weight loss is harder then actually losing the weight. But I think some of that comes from a perfectionist mindset--which is funny, because I'm a totally sloppy perfectionist.

People tend to think, "If I only weight ___ I would be happy." But I'm here to tell you--if you are not happy mentally/emotionally/physicall
y at 160/180/225 whatever--getting to that magic number doesn't make all your problems magically disappear. I'm still as insecure about myself in a size 6 as I was with a 1 in front of my 6. Yes, it's easier to move and fit in things, and for sure people treat me differently (I really hate that sometimes--grrr--I'm the same person) but that is the way of life.

I came to the realization that I have a very self-deprecating way of thinking. "I'm not good enough," "I'm not a good mom," "I look terrible in this outfit," "I never get anything right," "I'm a slob," blah, blah, blah. If someone talked to my child or my husband the way I talk to myself...I'd be on the nightly news! So how do you change those negative voices?!

I have so many reasons to be positive and I have so many great things going on in my life. What gives? Do you find yourself with those monsters in your brain? I used to feed them sugar/fried food/carbs to shut them least temporarily. But I've for the most part changed that. But it seems like I hear them louder now. Lol.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • -JAMES-
    I see You've followed ideal protein in the past.

    For myself, post I.P. I switched to low carb. It is not a constant struggle because fatty things are low carb, but not on I.P. because fat is higher calorie.

    So I'm eating all meats, even fatty cuts like prime rib, and cheeses, anc all sorts of veggies.

    From I.P. I learned that their products are often protein powder based, so since then I've used protein powder that j buy at COSTCO, like vanilla or chocolate flavours, but rather than drink them I've baked with them. I just made a loaf of vanilla bread today. I like a few slides of that for breakfast with butter and peanut butter on it.

    Send me a spark note, I'd be happy to chat. It is about 6 years of maintenance for me.
    1367 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/9/2017 5:06:02 PM
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

More Blogs by KRICKY