Maintenance is TOUGH!
Monday, June 05, 2017
I am back for my annual blog post and check in (lol--I don't really want it to be, it just seems to be my cycle) and talk about what I've been up to.
When you last left me, I was 155, size 8 and really excited to be remotely close to my goal. Today, I am 160.3, still a size 6 and having a tough time finding a balance. More then a balance, I'm having a tough time deciding if I'm "done" losing weight. I still have a little belly fat, my numbers are all in the healthy range (except, of course for the BMI, but I don't listen to that outdated system--I have a very muscular frame and it doesn't account for that) and I've been doing Crossfit for a little over a month. Hence the weight gain--to a degree.
I got down to 147, and reverse-dieted to a more balanced diet instead of weight-loss. I went on vacation. I didn't really stick to the regulations I set on myself. But I started exercising. HARD. Harder than I ever have and I LOVE it. I feel so strong (unless we're doing pull-ups....I suck at those!) and am really amazed at what my body can accomplish. I started noticing my thighs bulking up and my booty getting a really nice round shape--though it didn't make getting into my skinny jeans easier. But the added muscle was an ok addition. In fact, I gained over 8 pounds of muscle according to my weight-loss coach's fancy scale. Dang.
BUT, I also found myself falling into old behaviors and I started to have hormonal problems. Ugh. I have PCOS and have been on birth control pills to regulate myself for most of my life. About 2 years ago, I got off with the idea of expanding our family, though not really trying (I'M OVULATING!! NOW--LET'S GO! --Nope) but not preventing, and being happy if pregnancy happened.
So long story short, I ended up rupturing 2 ovarian cysts since my hormones are all out of whack. Ugh. Worse pain then child birth for me. I had to take 11 days off of intense workouts. I also celebrated my parent's 40th anniversary the way I normally would have--huge meal, plus bad food on the way to Houston and back--and last Tuesday I weighed in at 167. Yikes. That is 20 TWENTY pounds after making it down to my adjusted goal weight.
Yes, some of that is muscle--but not 20 pounds worth. So, I am back on track (much of that was probably water weight/fluid retention) and I am down to 160.3 this morning.
But here's my question--what SHOULD I be at? What is an ideal weight where I can be ok with that number and how I look/feel? If I eat my calorie/carb-restricting diet that worked really well for me without exercise, I don't know that it would be beneficial for me to do Crossfit as I'm not giving myself enough calories. If I follow a different plan, my crazy hormone whacked out body could work against me and refuse to lose. I hate that my body is dependent on synthetic hormones, but I think the answer is, I'm not 100% happy at 160.
But I think a lot of that is in my head. I still see the size 16 me in the mirror. I still see that roll of belly fat no one else notices. And bathing suit shopping?! Ugh. I go from a size 16 to a 6 and there's no way I'd ever be able to be in a bikini, which I had hoped to do at some point in my life. I have too much skin and a little bit too much fat.
I feel like maintaining my weight loss is harder then actually losing the weight. But I think some of that comes from a perfectionist mindset--which is funny, because I'm a totally sloppy perfectionist.
People tend to think, "If I only weight ___ I would be happy." But I'm here to tell you--if you are not happy mentally/emotionally/physicall
y at 160/180/225 whatever--getting to that magic number doesn't make all your problems magically disappear. I'm still as insecure about myself in a size 6 as I was with a 1 in front of my 6. Yes, it's easier to move and fit in things, and for sure people treat me differently (I really hate that sometimes--grrr--I'm the same person) but that is the way of life.
I came to the realization that I have a very self-deprecating way of thinking. "I'm not good enough," "I'm not a good mom," "I look terrible in this outfit," "I never get anything right," "I'm a slob," blah, blah, blah. If someone talked to my child or my husband the way I talk to myself...I'd be on the nightly news! So how do you change those negative voices?!
I have so many reasons to be positive and I have so many great things going on in my life. What gives? Do you find yourself with those monsters in your brain? I used to feed them sugar/fried food/carbs to shut them up...at least temporarily. But I've for the most part changed that. But it seems like I hear them louder now. Lol.