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the surrender of life

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

I find myself entering a new chapter in my life. Becoming the ONLY support person to my elderly mother, who seems to be entering the early stages of dementia.
My brother has his reasons, he has a young child in school and a wife who is extremely sick and disabled. He lives right next door to her, so he is able to get there if she calls, he works around on things at the house, etc, he should, since he inherited all of the land, house, etc.
But does very little in the way of support, such as doctors appts, etc.
My sister, now that is the shocker of it all.
My sister is a health care worker, has been for about 25 years, she has worked in nursing homes, and has seen dementia and other types of mental illness.
Yet she has written her mother off, she wont even answer the phone anymore.
I am the only one.
I am doing it all, taking the 530 am phone calls.
Listening to the stories about how someone is coming into her home when shes gone, listening to the stories of how this one said or that one did, or who all hates her and how she is dying of heart failure.....yet, she has NOT been diagnosed as having any kind of heart disorder....and I am the only one taking her to her appointments, which are more and more frequent lately as she is not only beginning dementia, but, she is a hypochondriac and is constantly thinking up some new illness that she needs to be tested for.
Yet, no doctor has ever really been able to diagnose her with any real illness.
The only counselor she has been to has just prescribed what i call Monkey dope.
Pills that she will mix with other pills and over the counter pills and more pills and who all knows what shes taking, which might be a part of the problem.
I have made the heart wrenching decision to get an emergency order to be appointed her guardian until she is evaluated and maybe gets some in patient treatment, Get her medications lined out and see if this is part of the problem.
I am not even discussing it with my siblings, as they have pretty much turned their backs on me left me dangling to take all the heat.
I am searching for a support group for childen of elderly parents with dementia, etc, caregiver support groups.
So, today, instead of getting ready to go walk my daily walk, I am getting ready to take her to drop her dog off at the groomers, then on to the heart doc, so she can try to get him to tell her shes dying of heart disease.
I will probably sit for 2 to 3 to 4 hours.
I will have to listen to the insane things she says and the same old stories retold for the 19th time in as many days.
And I will bite my lip as much as possible and I will come home and take a hot bath and cry my silent tears about how defeated I feel.
And I will probably do it again next week.
Tomorrow I have planned to go the court to try to get the paperwork in order to have her evaluated. This is probably not going to go well, as our area is lacking in the area of mental health care.
Pills. That is the answer you get here, more junk dope.
But, if it will get her to a doctor who might be able to line all that medicine out for her and see if she is over medicating or what is causing this, maybe it is alzheimers, maybe they can make the determination.
But its up to me to figure this all out.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    It's hard when your parents are older and they need more help. It's a roll reversal where you are like a parent caring for a child. My mom has been diagnosed with congestive heart failure and seems to slowly be getting worse. She is on a heart medication, and water pills to help reduce water retention. She has arthritis in both knees and doesn't get around very well so she doesn't do much cooking for herself anymore. She has a friend from church that comes once a week to do general housekeeping. Fortunately we don't live very far away from her so we take meals over several times a week. We have our dinner, then fix up a plate for mom and take it over for her.

    She had to sell her house last year due to health issues. She's not able to live alone anymore. My niece is single with no kids and she has a house. The most practical thing was to move her there since there are no extra rooms at our house or my sisters house. I love my mom dearly, but it gets difficult at times. She likes to be in control and can be very demanding. There are times when I have to draw some boundaries just for my own sanity.

    I can relate to what you are going through to a degree, but when dementia is involved that takes it to another level. That must be difficult to deal with. I've never thought about a support group for children taking care of elderly parents. There are support groups for everything else, why not. It's not that we don't love our parents, it's just difficult when they can't do everything for themselves anymore. It would be nice to talk with people in similar situations. Best wishes for you and your mom.

    1130 days ago
    Yes it all sounds very familiar. I'm an only child and I have the honor of caring for my elderly mother. The challenges have been unbelievable – house fire, office flooded, broken arms, broken legs, sepsis, UTI's, heart attacks, death of husband, death of father, death of cousin, uncle, theft, crazy tenants, fraudulent lawsuits, death of pets, horrible neighbors, stalking, cars totaled by bad just goes on and on. There have been some unbelievable lows and not too many high points.

    But the real high point is love. My mom and I love each other and we would do anything for each other. So somehow we managed to get through things with our sense of humor intact.

    Bad things happen and it seems impossible to go on that somehow we all do manage to go on. As long as there's life, as long as we keep breathing, as long as we have faith, somehow things continue. And the sky is still blue and flowers are still beautiful and friends are still loving and there are still so many good things in life. The people we love sometimes disappoint us terribly. And somehow people we never thought would be there for us turn out to be the most wonderful people in the world and great support. Nothing really turns out the way we expected to and yet somehow we persevere.

    1131 days ago
  • LLR630
    I'm so sorry my dad is in middle stages of dementia on top of MS God bless you it's a unrewarding adventure your going on. My dad at this point still remembers me and treats me well....
    1131 days ago
    I am so sorry for you problems. It is so difficult when we become the caregivers and our parents are so dependent on us. You family is like so many, one of the children is the chosen caregiver by reason of the others failure to help. You do yourself well to blog about it and let it all out. There are many here who have been in the same boat. I hope you can find some time for yourself.
    1131 days ago
  • BJK1961
    You have my sympathy. I took care of my mother for almost 30 years.
    1131 days ago
    Blessings to you as you enter this next chapter!
    1131 days ago
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