Food Addiction; I am an addict

February was my last blog that I posted. February I was going to get back on track after the holidays. February I was 40 pounds lighter. February I didn't do what I said I was going to do.

So here I am in in October almost 70 pounds heavier then I was a year ago. I am now having to buy new clothes in a bigger size because all of the cute clothes I bought last year don't fit. I can see the reaction on peoples face, it is a look of sadness and oh she was doing so well now look at her. But most of all I have let myself down. I was so proud of myself, and I was so happy with all of the hard work I had done to get me where I was. I thought I had a grip on it and I could handle it. That is the first mistake of an addict.

I thought I could cheat every once and a while, but I had control of what I was eating. But it wasn't just the eating. I stopped going to the gym. I loved going to the gym, I had a routine, I knew what I was doing and I felt amazing when I left. I started making excuses about not going to the gym. This is the second mistake of an addict.

Yo yo dieting. I tried different things thinking this was going to be it. I would start out back on the VLCD which is how I lost all my weight before. I wouldn't make it the whole day and give up. I ordered and spent a lot of time on 21 day fix planning and making menus, I didn't make it through the whole day. Then I began to think that this is how I am suppose to be and I just have to except that I am to be overweight my whole life and just deal with it. This is the third mistake of an addict.

I gave up my diet, I gave up the gym, and I began to give up on me. I became depressed, I let cookies, and cakes, and pasta, and soda control me again. Until I finally looked at my bigger clothes, pictures over the last year, and how I don't want to do things like I once did and realized did this once, I know I can do it again. I know I can battle back. Yes it is going to be harder, and yes I am going to have to fight like crazy but as an addict I can learn to control my triggers. I will always be an addict, that is never going to change. I will struggle with food my entire life. But I am not going to let food control how I live my life from this moment on.

One step at a time, one minute at a time, one day at a time I will earn the number on the scale that I want to see.