Tuesday, March 13, 2018
Some recent thoughts/feelings that I’ve been dealing with. My boyfriend and I have been having let’s say a kind of rocky past 6 months. It’s been a bunch of different things, you know life. Finances, family, moving, work. Some of it on my end some on his. A few glitches in romance area, including very inconsistent sexual intimacy. His stress made him experience a lot of physical pain (as depression does, and he was out of work almost 3 months so yeah) which diminishes his interest in sex. We keep an open relationship which has its challenges and benefits. Our open is not a cheating thing, or a don’t ask don’t tell thing. We have a few friends who have joined us for a couple of intimate encounters. (Dear reader, if this bothers you, please feel free to move on to another blog. I’ll make no apologies for my personal choices. Thank you)
The thing that is great and challenging about this lifestyle is it DEMANDS open communication, sometimes about not so happy topics, like feelings. Anyway, I Sunday I expressed my dissatisfaction with how often we have had sex (not often enough by my reckoning) and the resultant sense of rejection I feel over it.
We had the occasion at the start of the weekend, a meet up with a girl we know that may turn into a makeout session, may not. We’d got hot and cold mixed signals from her a year ago. Known her 2 years, when she first started dating a guy we know, they broke up a year ago.
We really didn’t know what to expect. We had supper, we fooled around a bit, sex didn’t quite happen and to top it off, it was getting towards when she was planning to leave anyway, we are all naked in bed canoodling and my teenage daughter calls asking for a ride, totally spoiling the mood. This put me in a funk the rest of the weekend.
So Sunday night I was expressing my disappointment with how the whole thing went and he chided me saying, ‘well we will try again in a few weeks with her.’ And I’m like, ‘that’s not the point! I never got to have sex, it’s been a month since we’ve had a decent session, and I’m put out and frustrated.’
So he hears me, we start to fool around but it didn’t go awesomely. And then I feel so guilty, selfish and self centered. He was going back to work the next day after being laid off for 3 months. He needed to get to bed early. And I end up giving him leg cramps because I bitched and moaned about not getting laid in a month.
Honestly, idk what this has to do with this site except Friday after I she left in a rush as I left in a rush to get my daughter, I just wanted to emotionally eat. And struggled with it all weekend.
Relationship are the biggest trigger for my emotions. I feel fat, awkward and unattractive this week. I don’t feel like a good person. I feel like I don’t deserve for him to want to sexually interested in me.
We have a good relationship. We take care of one another. I’m there for him as much as I can be. Is it equal? Sometimes I don’t feel like it. I don’t expect him so support me financially. I expect my physical needs to be taken care of, because when they are I’m quite content. Really, I just need him to be loyal and faithful to me (within the context we’ve agreed upon) and take care of my physical needs. That’s it. Dates, gifts, dinners out, those are nice and I enjoy it, but seriously a good romp and I’m much more satisfied than dinner and a movie.
Sorry if this is too TMI but this is my life. Next update will involve the swinger couple we’ve been chatting wirh. They are super nice and we seem to have hit it off really well. And maybe, it will lead to me getting my needs met more regularly.