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I am keeping myself aware.

Saturday, March 31, 2018

Easter is such a blessed holiday and as I sit here watching my teenage girls still wanting to dye eggs and we still do Easter baskets before Mass—I am filled with joy and nestalgia. But it is also kind of sad. My Nana died on Good Friday 6 years ago which was a time we were also moving away from family. Last year on Easter was the last time I saw my mother-in-law beautiful and healthy. A week later she was diagnosed with Leukemia and we spend May and June trying to fight it and July and August with her living with us in hospice as she slowly slipped away and passed. She was 62 and would introduce me to all her nurses as her best friend. So much can happen in a year—I became a full-time caregiver, my marriage almost didn’t make it through the stress of it, and as my husband is an only child whose parents had both passed (my mother-in-law was actually his step mom), we inherited bills and a house that has been collecting junk for 40 years. We have adjusted and life is back to its new normal—but I am just reminded right now of loss.

We are traveling for the holiday and at my parents’ home—full of food, chocolate eggs, m&ms, and just crap. The weather is bad with a winter storm warning so getting out for a walk is not gonna happen and my crazy aunt has been talking non-stop for about 5 hours—reading us random facebook messages and yelling about one thing or the other.

So I am really focusing on my water, won’t get in my workouts, and probably not logging enough of my food—but I am aware of it. With older kids that have jobs and a family of 7 we ended up making the 5 hour trip in 3 different vehicles and I am waiting for my husband to get here and looking forward to having his comfortable presence. Tomorrow I will celebrate the Resurrection of my Lord and enjoy my day while eating the best I can. I went and bought all the fixings for a huge veggie salad to have with dinner. I guess my point—besides spilling out all the crap in my brain—is I am getting better about my perspective. I am feeling a little sad, but this last year has brought a heightened awareness of myself and what my goals are. It has also brought healing to my marriage that I never thought possible, with discussions of God and Heaven—I was raised Catholic and my husband was raised in an agnostic family. He hasn’t had a drink since August. So even in rough times, there is healing and beauty. Even in situations that are a bit out of my control, I can control what I eat and drink and use the tools (like SparkPeople) I have to keep me on track. I am keeping myself aware.
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