Grandmother & Hospice

Today makes 6 weeks that my grandmother was sent home on Hospice. It also marks 11 days since she has ate or drank ANYthing. Let me backtrack just a little bit and fill you all in on what got us here. Last summer she started losing blood and it got low enough that it induced seizures. That meant a trip to the ER who gave her a blood transfusion. Since then, she has been getting blood transfusion about every 3 weeks. The Dr was scared to do a colonoscopy to find the source of blood loss because of her age (91 yrs). He thought that putting her under would kill her. So, the blood transfusions continued. Well, around 6.5 weeks ago she wound up in the hospital needing blood again. The doc said her body wasn’t accepting the blood as well as it needed to because of the frequency at which she was needing them. They really needed to get to the source of the problem. He wound up ordering the test to be done. They found Rectal Cancer the size of a mans fist. He said this was not good because it would close off her rectum and cause toxins to back up and kill her. BUT, at her age chemo and radiation would kill her too. He said he would not give anymore blood transfusions either, so home on hospice she came because the blood loss would kill her or the cancer would one. She has lost all ability to swallow, so they are sponging her mouth a little bit, because she will choke if any water is given. She has been unconscious now since last Thursday, so I guess that equates to 5 days of complete silence from her. She was sleeping most of the time before then, but was having some moments of wakefulness prior to the last 5 days. I am not there since I live in Mississippi and my family is in Texas. I do call daily and check-in to get updates. My dad is not taking things so well. He is having a hard time with the process and broke down crying yesterday. I wish I were there to help. I feel helpless at times. At last update this morning, her breathing has slowed and she is having moments of it stopping altogether. I guess the end is drawing near. I cringe every time the phone rings. I feel like I am a washrag that has been rung out. I can’t quite explain the ups and downs of emotions I have had over the past 6 weeks. I think I have been through the grieving process even though she isn’t gone yet. But then, I get new news and it tears me to pieces all over again. My mom says she is pain-free and seems to be at ease. I just pray her crossing is a smooth one for all involved. For all those there with her having to bear the burden of it. Please SP friends continue to pray for me and my family this is so incredibly difficult. ~Amanda