What Is Your Issue?
Friday, July 27, 2018
I've considered weight and diet to be an issue all my life. I was on my first diet that I remember when I was in kindergarten. But all that dieting just made me fatter and fatter. Step by step I made it all the way up to 410 lbs. Then I stayed there for MANY years. That seemed to be where my body wanted to stay. No matter if I ate, starved, binged, dieted, exercised or was a couch potato, that is where my weight stayed for about 20 years. Not 409, not 411, steady at 410. I consider that to be a major plateau!
A friend who is also a Pastor/Counselor asked me once how and when food, weight and diet all became an issue in my life. The only answer I could give him was that it just always was. He said that wasn't an answer. He then encouraged me to pray & think about it. If we can figure out how and why something starts then we can deal with the cause instead of just the symptoms. So I went home & pondered, prayed, cried, went to bed, pulled the cover over my head and slept. Long story short, I found some answers in a dream and some detective research work. (I may share the dream and that story sometime if anyone is intrerested.) It came down to the fact that when I was very little, my little self determined that life was too difficult and I didn't want to live. Excess weight was a blessing and a curse because it protected and hurt me at the same time. I realized that I was a "failure to thrive" baby who had chosen not to live that became a "failure to thrive" adult who continued that choice. I had never actually tried to kill myself outright, but I was killing myself in a variety of ways daily. Was it true? Why and how? What does it mean and how do I deal with it as an adult?
I first needed to commit to choosing LIFE. Not just once, but many times daily. Whenever choices presented themselves, my answer needed to become, "I CHOOSE LIFE" and act accordingly. I also made a commitment to feed and take care of myself even if nobody else did. I would make myself a priority and tend to my needs like I would a small child that needed me.
The scale started moving! No deprivation diets. No marathon exercise binges. No guilt or shame, just kindness, love for myself & freedom to continue to CHOOSE LIFE.
When I was in the 9th grade my dad chased me around the house insisting that I lose weight or he would punish me because I weighed so much at that time that I would NEVER want to be that weight. I was past the point of just staying at that weight and growing into it. I was 5'10" then and i still am. 170 is what I weighed then and is in the normal range for my height. It is now my goal and I am about 130 pounds closer to that goal as progress continues. I needed to realize that weight was a symptom instead of a real issue so that I could deal with the actual issue.
What about you? What is your issue? Do you need to CHOOSE LIFE and loving yourself?