the great loser
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
Depression is bad enough, but add to it, that you get up out of bed every single day and feel the weight of the world and the weight of your own body.
I feel every pound that I carry when I get up to go start my day.
I feel the breathlessness of the day beginning as I dress.
I have my coffee, I have breakfast sometimes. I am really just not hungry in the morning.
But sometimes I make myself eat an egg, which I loathe and which usually ends up making me feel worse.
it takes me an hour to get going in the morning, no jumping out of bed, quickly dressing and out the door to exercise as in days gone by.
Now, I linger over my coffee and social media, which frankly isnt very social at all.
I have 335 FB friends and actually converse with 1 regularly.
My back hurts, probably from the weight, and as I age, turning 51 in a month, I realize that this weight is here to stay!!
I will carry this weight on my bones as they age, and that thought depresses me even more.
I lost weight like it was breaking off and falling to the ground in my 40s, but now, nothing.
I will live off the memory of that weight loss success as an aging sports star lives off the memories of their great victories in their twilight years.
I am fat.
I will always be fat.
I see women who are a few years older than myself, who had weight loss sugery a few years ago, meaning they were around my age, and they look terrible.
Sorry for anyone reading this who has had it , but these women look like sagging sacks, their faces are falling down and the skin is drooping and their bodies look like they are hoarding bags under their clothes.
and I wonder why after 2 or 3 or 4 years since they had surgery, they havent had skin removal yet? I wonder why one I spoke to last week is considering going back to have bypass surgery after having had the sleeve three years ago and is still carrying around all the skin from her first surgery and it makes me realize they arent satisfied either and they didnt get the results they thought or they wouldnt be considering having yet another weight loss surgery.
Sorry, as much as I complain, I will take the fullness of my fat skin over that sagging droopy bags anyday.
I dont want to go thru what those people go thru.
I dont want to have to take vitamins and have my hair fall out and have my skin droop off of me and I dont want dr appts and more surgery.
I just want to lose enough weight so when I am 60 or even 70 if I live that long, I wont be carrying all this extra weight around. every pound I lose is a pound less to have to feel every day.
But, back to the complaining.
I was riding the high of my 14 lbs weight loss last month. It has been 3 wks ago since I went to the doctor and last I weighed I had gained back 5 lbs.
I havent been back on the scale so maybe its more by now.
It certainly feels like more.
I am just so depressed. I have no friends, I have no one to confide in the feelings I feel, other than my fellow sparkers.
I am so blue. I hurt in my back, I hurt in my soul and I am so tired.
I miss being in my bed right now.
I miss candy bars and burgers and fries and I miss mixed margaritas and I miss chocolate cake.
I dont eat any of that but I often wonder why, because eggs and chicken and salad and water arent producing weight loss.
I get confused about why and what I should eat and why nothing I do makes a hill of beans, and I get even more depressed from thinking too much.
and I wonder why to be such a loser in life I am not a loser of weight.