The Wall Pt 2
Thursday, November 15, 2018
See The Wall Pt 1 for an explanation of what I am doing here... things have been going well - I have seen the scales dip under 100kgs a few times, and slowly but surely that number will drop. I am enjoying incredible fresh food from our garden. I am at the beach almost every morning, and I could not be happier. I am also super busy with my business - and I want to get to the beach before I start work this morning, so I will dive right in to this... I want to clear the next few bricks in this wall - bricks of unprocessed emotion that I have swallowed and carried and am ready to put down so they stop blocking me from achieving the results I want.
ANGER: For all the times I have been furious with others for not fulfilling their responsibilities to me. For all the times I have lashed out at those smaller and more vulnerable than me because someone else made me feel small and vulnerable. For all the times I swallowed an angry response to criticism, and for all the times I angrily criticised others inside my head. For all the times I let anger shout words that were hurtful. For all the times I went to bed seething instead of speaking honestly about my feelings. For all the times I let others’ anger destroy my calm and give rise to anger in me. For all the times I have been angry at myself for not being perfect. For all the times I have felt anger over little, unimportant things and allowed them to burn inside me. For all the times I have felt anger about injustice and yet not acted on it. I shine the light of love on my anger. I give my anger to God.
EXCESSIVE RESPONSIBILITY: For all the times I have felt weighed down and crushed by others’ expectations. For all the times I have placed unrealistic expectations on myself. For all the times I have said yes to everything, in order to prove my self worth. For all the times I have taken on more than I can handle in order to win approval and acclaim for others. For all the times I have tried to shoulder a burden alone instead of giving it to God. For all the times I have taken on extra responsibility to distance myself from my own emotions, so I would be too busy to think about why I hurt. For all the times I have complained falsely of excessive responsibility to gain sympathy from others. For all the times I have felt there is too much to do and no time to do it in. For all the times I have piled excessive responsibility on others because I didn’t want to take responsibility for myself. For all the times I have taken on excessive responsibility for others instead of letting them walk their own path. I shine the light of love on my excessive responsibility. I give my excessive responsibility to God?
Phew. Those were two big ones. That will do for today - I am off to the beach to walk in thigh deep water, to dance in the tiny, gentle swell, and to collect shiny shells that make my soul happy.
And now I am back :D
The sea was amazing and brings me such peace - it felt so good to let these two massive bricks wash away. I also realised that it doesn't mean I will never get angry or take on excessive responsibility again - but when it does come I can notice and let it flow through me faster - and I am no longer dragging my past history with these emotions behind me.
To make my day even better, I picked the ingredients for my breakfast from the garden. Fresh herbs, tomatoes and silverbeet, cooked up with some fresh eggs from the neighbour's hens, and some mushroom and garlic. It was incredible.