Friday, November 16, 2018
For much too long I have been playing a losing game. I mostly havent even played, just sat on the sidelines and watched others play.
And they are always on the winning side, myself on the losing side.
But I always thought I was in the game.
I finally had to realize I have not even been playing. I couldnt even win a participation ribbon at this point.
Time to change!!!
How many times I have said that to myself, i lost track along time ago.
I admit that I just gave up recently.
I just didnt watch or pay attention or even try.
I can only do one thing and that is try even harder, change my way of thinking and get back in the game.
I am up 29 pounds from my lowest weight this time 2 years ago!
How trying and hard it was for me to lose that weight.
But it wasnt even a problem gaining it all back. I didnt even notice.
But I can guarantee you I will notice how hard it is to lose it all again.
The second or third or fourth time losing the same weight again is never easy.
It gets harder each time and age makes it even harder.
I also admit I dont walk like I used to. Going from 4 miles plus a day to 1 mile a couple times a week.
Doing over 11,000 steps daily to struggling to get 3.000 most days.
I see it. But I swept it under the rug and I went on with eating normally.
Which isnt normal at all for someone struggling and struggle every single day of my life.
It is all I know and all I have known for so very long.
I am not going to sit here and grandstand and make bold over the top statements about how I am going to win this game.
I am not even sure I can win one battle in this game.
But here i am once again, trying, again.
Losing is winning in this case and I just want to be a winner.
I just want to stop feeling like a failure and stop hating that I let myself down, again.
This feeling is awful.
Even writing this blog is part of the game, because I am admitting that I am not very good at playing.
But I guess I am still in it so here I go again.