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Begin Again

Monday, January 21, 2019

Oh, how many times have I gone through this routine? Stop and Start Over. Here I am once more willing and wanting to start over. The problem is I get so damn discouraged. Walk they say, exercise they say, eat healthy they say. The problem is they are not me nor do they know me or my routine, my body, my mind or anything else about me. They offer pills, diets, information that may or may not be that healthy for me, yet here I am all alone trying to figure out how to bend myself around all this and get on a track that will allow me to stay on it for a while.


I am way to old for this (or so I keep telling myself) and I am not in it for beauty although if it comes along I am not going to knock it out of the way. I am in it for health reasons. So I can walk longer, feel better, and make what is left of my life as comfortable as possible.

I am not all that ambitious when it comes to a routine. I am not afraid of hard work or exercise just the repetition of doing it seems to come hard to me. I don't understand that either as I have work with horses for decades and we all know they learn by repetition. When I am in a corner I can come out fighting and seem to do really when push comes to shove. But, when I have it all out in front of me I am not that enthused and don't seem to get the knack of doing it right. I am one of those people that would rather use their brain to work smarter not harder. Yet in my past, I could stand up to all forms of hard work. So how do I do this and keep it up over the long haul?

I would think that is the question of most of us. But, here is a kicker!!!
I have two artificial knees that were replaced in 2010, just a few weeks after the second knee was completed I was in an auto accident that left me with a severely damaged right leg. Everything broke but the new knee itself. Now I have pins, r0ds, and two metal knees in my legs and during this time my poor knees did not bend to the 90-degree level that was expected. I am barely at a 40 degree with the right leg. Then as I went through recovery I used my felt leg and foot to such a degree that I managed to wear it out trying to get the right leg in order. All the while enjoying any and all food that I like which has put a little over 80 lbs on my body to carry around. People came around telling me how good I looked and how well I was doing that I didn't recognize the total picture until the final outcome.

What does all this crap mean you might be telling yourself, but the truth is it means a lot. Because right now I can not bend over hardly at all, there is no question of squats or getting on the floor. Once on the floor just trying to get my big butt up is a killing pain in my (well all over really). The scar tissue that developed from the knees plus whatever other problem is in there it pure torment when it comes to using my knees to get up with. I have nerve damage from the multiple surgeries but that alone does not stop me it's much more and it's unbearable. So no getting on the carpet or wood floor. No riding horses because of the weight gain, the knees that will not bend to get on and off the horse, and the ankle damage that was left from the accident that prevents me from correcting the horse the way it needs to be corrected. Yes, I could get on a dead broke horse and be lead around like a child on a pony but this is not my goal in life at my age. No motorcycle riding that I shared with the hubby as he is a biker from the old school. My right ankle will not allow me to adjust the gears that need to be shifted. When it comes to walking, I can walk and thank god I can walk without any assistance but not for a long period. My weight causes so many problems and my overall health is dwindling down slowly.

Every page or site or information I look up tells me all about simple exercises for the elderly, hahaha they are not telling the truth, there is no simple exercises (they lie). Yes, I said it they lie to us. It's all for the love of money which I am all for that for sure. It's like telling an ugly duckling that to buy this or do this he will be beautiful and can spread its wings and look like a swan. Well, I am here to tell you that 94 percent of that is all Bull (you know what).

So here I sit thinking on my own, tired of opening a page to be told this will work and this will work better. I need to set my own mind in focus and give up on all of this crap and figure out what I, me, myself and I can do to make it better. Not rely on others. Thus is why I took off several months to get my mind focused and hopefully ready to tackle what is about to come.

I am in great mind form but the body is so far behind I have to haul ass just to be able to see mine coming up behind me these days. I am going to set about this on my own. No diets, no routines, just honest hard work and hopefully at the end of the journey I will see some gain.

I am not knocking all you out there with healthy inner bodies that can handle the books and sites that promote hard exercise. I say go for it and the best to you. I am here to learn on my own what can be done when you are broken inside and there is no one out there telling you a different direction to go in. I am here to share what a big girl can do when she puts on her cowgirl boots and rolls up her jeans and says...Hell No that's not going to happen to me. I am going to lose this damn weight, suffer through the pain until I can see the gain, and find my own way back into the saddle. Meanwhile I will share all of difficulties and heartbreaks that I go through so that you, if needed, will understand that you are not alone in this and if we try hard enough we can find each other and share our stores so that if only a few of us come out on top we will have accomplished something remarkable.

So for a brand new start....A NEW BEGINING....I am about to Begin Again.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    At least you know what to do, great

    emoticon emoticon
    414 days ago
    I can identify. I am ADHD..I hate repetition as well. Organized? Lol..Nope. I try, but it is very hard to stick with it. Another ADHD thing. I have had RA for over 40 years. My hands and feet are horrible, but I get along ok. I can't walk as far as I used to, but I give it my best shot. Some days are good, other days are so so. I found a few chair exercises that help; Not sure if you can do chair exercises, but you can give it a try. I go to YouTube for that. I can do short power walks on the good days. So I understand where you are coming from. Find something that will work for you, and take baby steps. Just don't give up. We're all in this together. emoticon
    414 days ago
    You are not alone. I am starting over again! Taking baby steps to get my fitness back together and trying to get my eating under control. And asking God for help everyday! It's a progress but we can succeed!
    776 days ago
    I totally understand! In November my left knee that was destroyed 10 years ago (kicked out by a horse who reared and kicked my knee out on the way down) started to hurt. It hurts on and off as long as I baby it, but as soon as I start on a fitness walk, I dont get far because of pain in the knee. Also, after an episode I had last spring of my back going out, it starts hurting too when I walk. So, my favorite form of exercise is pretty much down the tubes. When the doctor repaired my knee, He said that one day I would need to have it replaced. Having worked as an RN on an orthopedic floor for years, I am well aware of what is involved so I will put THAT off as long as I can! Anyway, I can totally empathize with you
    in your frustration! emoticon
    777 days ago
    You are not alone. You are just the one who's brave enough to tell it like it is. Please share your journey. There are many of us who can/will gain from your wisdom.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    777 days ago
    You have clearly gained wisdom over the years! I'm looking forward to seeing your progress. I have found the food tracker here to be my number one best tool. None of us can exercise our way past our food choices. Best wishes!
    777 days ago
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