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lessons never ever learned

Wednesday, May 01, 2019

Do we EVER learn??? Well, I havent!!!
The last few days I took it upon myself to TRY to help my elderly mother, who is being financially extorted by her grandson.
Well, apparently she likes it that way. I was told that she didnt need my help in fixing the situation.
This comes of course, after 3 straight days of telling myself, my siblings that she is stressed out and worried about giving him so much money and his lies are becoming more elaborate and grandiose.
Well, what do you do?
We could intervene legally, but should we?
I mean, she doesnt want our help. I told her to stop coming to me with her complaints about him if she was going to continue the same behavior.
She loves drama. and this is her way of getting a big fight going within the family, as is her way for many reasons.
But her grandson is a Narcissist.
He uses his childhood, which she feels guilt about to manipulate her and coax her into having sympathy for him.
In the form of money.
He is not an 11 year old. He is in fact 32, with 2 children of his own. He has never worked and he never will.
He and his wife are both professional con artists, she does it in the form of getting grants for going to school, taking online classes, with no intention of ever finishing a degree.
And he does it, in the form of lying his butt off to his grandmother, USING his own kids to put fear in her......"he will just stay away and keep his kids away"....
FOG---fear, obligation and guilt.
Classic moves of a narcissist. I stepped in and tried to tell him to stop and he calls her crying about how he didnt know he was a burden to her.
So, I made the wrong move???
I learned last night that she is more upset with me for talking to him, in a rational calm way about the situation and explaining to him that her social security money is for her living expenses, not to keep up another entire family.
Well now I just feel like I have been used as a scapegoat. I am the problem, SHE would never dare tell him NO.
So, she manipuates me and my siblings into getting upset about it, but when we call him out on it, WE are the bad guys.
So, now I am up set and here is the catch
for about a year I stayed away from them basically for my own peace of mind.
Now when I decide to TRY to help her, I am attacked for my efforts. I am more upset and angry with MYSELF for daring to stop him from financially abusing her.
I should have just stayed out of it.
If she is financially ruined who is at fault? him or her, or all of us for not doing anything about it?
Bottom line, you cant help people who dont want your help.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • GRLTAZ
    You did what your loving heart urged you to do. It was the right thing. Never doubt yourself or beat yourself up for doing something with your best intention. Many of us are in your shoes. Stay strong. Love yourself and family to your best ability. Hugs
    172 days ago
  • GORDON66
    What you describe is elder abuse and can be reported to a state or county agency. When her money is gone, then what? You and your siblings may have to take control to ensure your mother can remain independent. I hope everything works out for your mom.

    Leslie

    XXXOOOXXX
    172 days ago
  • JEANKNEE
    Sometimes we need to take a step back. Don't beat yourself up for choosing not to engage in what sounds like a codependent and unhealthy situation.

    Something else to consider: reporting suspected elder abuse or asking for a welfare check. Of course, that may create even more drama.

    Take care of yourself. emoticon
    172 days ago
  • ENDUROVET
    I have stepped back from trying to help my mom so much as she insists (at age 86) to continue to be my 90-yr old dad’s sole caretaker; I was hoping she’d see how overwhelming it all is & let me hire more help, or best case place Dad in a facility!
    But she’s of sound mind (Dad isn’t) and if she wants to destroy herself in fulfillment of her marriage vows “in sickness & in health”, what can I do??
    emoticon
    173 days ago
  • KENDRACARROLL
    Family drama - sigh!
    emoticon
    173 days ago
  • EISSA7
    Way too much drama! Sad situation but apparently your input is not welcome...you tried...so basically it is time to again focus on your own peace. emoticon
    173 days ago
  • EMGERBER
    emoticon
    173 days ago
  • BAILEYSIRISH7
    I totally understand this..my comments to my own mom have been " wow, how has that been going for you in helping or are you complaining or bragging that you are helping " its definitely a hard situation you are in. Good luck
    173 days ago
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