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Gum, Gum Everywhere . . .

Tuesday, May 07, 2019



I’ve got to ask: What is with all the gum, people?

Lately, whenever I’m out walking my dog, Rosco, it takes every ounce of my concentration to keep vigilant and make sure he doesn’t step in a fresh pink or green wad that somebody has chosen to hawk onto the sidewalk.

I mean, no joke. The path around the local high school track looks like a particularly ugly Jackson Pollock painting.

The real question is: WHO is chewing this crap?

I haven’t chewed—or seen another person chew—gum since high school (and that was 30 years ago). Even back then, we only did it because we felt like rebels, sneaking our forbidden chewing material into class right under the teacher’s nose. It wasn’t like we actually enjoyed the gum itself.

So, who is spitting gum everywhere these days?

Let’s be honest: Gum isn’t all that great. After about 10 seconds in your mouth, max, it has zero flavor, so all you’re doing beyond that point is wearing down your teeth.

The dentist I used to go to, back when I lived in Pennsylvania, hated gum. And I had to trust her opinion, seeing as she was not only the only female dentist I’d ever met, but also the only one who seemed to have more than half a brain. Plus, she was the first dentist I’d ever been to who seemed to be in the profession for the health aspects rather than, you know, the sadism.

Anyway, my dentist put the anti-gum argument well: She said that chewing gum was, essentially, CHOOSING to grind your teeth—something lots of people go to great lengths, using everything from psychotherapy to elaborate mouth guards, to avoid.

But hey, this is America. Go ahead and destroy your teeth, if you want. I’m all about personal freedom.

All I ask is that you find a suitable trash receptacle for your little wad of DNA and herpes (or whatever diseases you might have going on) and NOT just spit it randomly on the street.

We’re living in a society, my friends. And if I’m picking up Rosco’s turds, you can very well dispose of your gum properly. Frankly, your gum is a whole lot more disgusting than what’s coming out of my little dog’s butt.

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