Looking for a Positive

Sunday, June 02, 2019

I always try to make my blogs as positive as possible. I hope to keep my mindset positive by writing and if anyone is reading i hope for it to be a positive experience for them. I'm not sure this is going to be as positive as usual but I'll try my best.
Since my youngest was born nearly 3 years ago, I have struggled with depression and disappointingly despite my normal attitude to keep plowing on with things I simply gave up. I felt like I had nothing left in my reserve and I was completely running on empty. A little background for you...
I breastfed Evie for 13 months, I found it incredibly hard at times because she seemed to need milk more than most babies, every 2 hours day and night for the whole year. It took it's toll on me and no one seemed to be supportive. My mums attitude was, if its too hard just bottle feed. Well things are hard but sometimes we just need a shoulder to cry on to be able to do what we really want. I really wanted to breastfeed her. My husbands attitude was, I can't help with the baby because you have the boobs. It's only over the last few months I have let this go and really tried to rebuild our relationship. When I decided to give up breastfeeding and move her onto normal milk I found out she was lactose intolerant so even that was a difficult process. On Evies first birthday we had a pediatrician appointment for my eldest where the dr confirmed an autism diagnosis. It wasn't unexpected at that point but the meltdowns have got more and more difficult over time and continue to do so. She struggles in school and with simple things like riding a bike but seems perfectly "normal" to an outsider. (sorry for the "n" word but I can't describe it any other way)
So I had had a difficult year or so and it took me a while to even want to find myself, when I did try it appeared as though no one around me was really bothered. I made the effort with my husband several times but had nothing back. I decided to try one last time to get our relationship back and it appears to be finally going in the right direction. I however have still been a lower priority than I should have been. I joined the gym last September and I go 3 times per week. But I can only go during creche times 9am to 11am. I usually get there around 9:10 but on mornings where meltdowns get in the way I am lucky to get there at all. I have been quite consistent all thing considered but I have only been doing cardio. It sounds silly but my brain needed the simple monotony of pedaling or any cardio machine to reboot.

I am finally feeling able to give myself a little more TLC and I have decided that i will add a core strength to my cardio and try and do a few simple core exercises on days when I don't go to the gym. I also want to add a short weight training program, but this is dependent on the machines I need being free at the time I am at the gym. i can try going at a different time when Evie starts school in September.

The main thing is that I need to prioritize my food. I really have no actual appetite, by this I mean I don't really want food until it's too late and then i just grab something, anything. I have just finished doing my grocery shopping online after planning evening meals for the week. The kids like the same stuff over and over, it's not unhealthy but i often find I throw mine away because I don't want it and then eat the wrong things later.
For this week I am not tracking calories but just aiming to follow my meal plans. I'll see what the scales show but I have a feeling it'll be a step in the right direction as long as I can keep my head in the game. I still have times where I feel completely zoned out depressed and I really don't care about much. I don't know what to do when moments like that strike to stop me from diverting from my plan. I always feel confident in my ability to reach my goals but at the moment my confidence is more than a little dented and hence my lack of positivity in this blog so...
I promise to blog everyday this week and to try and make each blog more positive.
I promise to take care of myself
I promise to be in the moment
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wow! You're doing amazing. A lot of moms would loudly complain and gripe long before any one of these things happened in their life. You're amazing. Don't sell yourself short. Sleep deprivation is actually used in wartime as a torture/mind control technique and you've been sailing through it. No doubt you are tired. Some times tired and nutrition deprived (nursing and caring for others is also nutritionally demanding on our female bodies) and that's not depression--its the normal reaction to getting less sleep, less support, less nutrition than you are giving out. You're doing fabulous. I hope you find the people who will make you feel more supported in the good choices you are making despite things not going exactly the way(s) you had originally hoped for--you've got this!
    596 days ago
    I feel your pain. My Aspie is 26 and my every 2 hour breast feeder is 17. Although it was difficult I would not change any of it except I would have let her self wean. She was almost ready and I think if I would have passed on the pediatricians advice and stuck it out a few more months she would have skipped a few problems she had. I understand all of your pain. I had no support from the now ex and no other support system because I was chained the the feed me every 2 hours.

    Stop trying to be perfect. Just keep trying. Set a small goal and make it. Life is not all or nothing. Most important is start taking care of yourself. Every little thing you do for yourself will make you feel better.
    599 days ago
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