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Binge and Recover

Saturday, July 06, 2019

July 6, 2019

I had two to three days of unhealthy coping (eating). I’ve been in group therapy since April and on Wednesday we discussed self-care, mental, physical, and spiritual. Since I lost my faith a few years ago, I don’t know how to care for my “spirituality”. As I was trying to figure out why and get through the barrier I’ve put up around it, I became so uncomfortable with the concept that I ordered pizza to try suppressing the emotions with food. While I did enjoy my food and ate significantly less than I would have before, regret set in fairly quickly and I reminded myself that junk food is so rarely worth it. I planned to bring the leftovers to my family the next day. (I’m working away from home again.) I didn’t sleep well that night and the next day, I felt so unmotivated and depressed that I didn’t want to make anything and ate more pizza. My best friend and her husband were hanging out across town, so I joined them for a little bit and it was exactly what I needed to get out of the house. I wasn’t hungry and didn’t get any food while with them, which is huge progress. Afterwards, I went by my house to see my family and brought them what leftovers I still had. I may have had a few bites again.

I had group therapy again on Friday (supposed to go three days a week and it’s three hours for each session). I ate a good breakfast, but had a family session scheduled for that afternoon and somehow ended up eating some of the snacks provided (cookies and crackers) during the morning session. Overall, group went well though. I went to work for a bit to walk a couple dogs and to check on my overnight clients, then back to therapy for the family session. My husband and wife were both supposed to be there, but our wife wasn’t feeling well. I thought it was because she was anxious and her stomach was having issues because of her anxiety (happens a lot). On my way to the session, I passed by the in-patient hospital where I’d been illegally detained back in March. Suddenly I couldn’t breathe or speak, my head hurt. I felt too many emotions to be able to process them. I’m so angry. And I still feel unsafe when I see or even just think about the place. I have nightmares. I wanted to punch myself in the face but couldn’t figure out why. I was completely overwhelmed. My mind was a racing blur, but I drove on, focusing everything I could pull together on the road and got to the family session. Without our wife, the session seemed almost pointless. My husband and I are trying to find ways to help her with her depression and anxiety and get some kind of income. Anything. Get on disability. Something. My therapist gave us some resources and we discussed potential options. It’s exhausting for everyone. Our husband doesn’t want her to move out, but he’s having trouble seeing other options if she won’t / can’t do anything. I can see both sides. I see his frustration and I feel frustrated because I’m the one picking up her slack. I don’t want to be an enabler. I can’t stand to see things not done. I also know what it’s like to be so depressed it’s impossible to function. I want to help her. It’s been hard on everyone. Plus, her brother has been staying with us for seven months now. We weren’t asked. She just said he’d be staying with us for a little bit and a “little bit” turned into more than half a year. And no, he doesn’t pay rent. That’s something else we discussed, so the rent part is supposed to change, but I doubt my husband’s brought it up yet. Our session was only yesterday anyway. My husband also agreed to get an Uber when he drinks. FINALLY! I’ve had to threaten to call the police on him if he got behind the wheel drunk, but he would still do it when I didn’t know where he was coming from. Every single time my wife and I told him not to drink and drive he’d say he was fine. Of course he feels fine! He’s drunk! But after my tearful pleas yesterday, he has agreed to stop. He has a genetic predisposition for alcoholism too, but for now I’ll settle for him not endangering everyone else on the road. Yesterday was a lot to take in. When I eventually got back to my overnight, I was starting to feel sick. (Sore throat). My brother-in-law came home sick the other day. While I’ve not been home much other than to pop in and say hi and see my furbabies, it might’ve been enough. I was feeling crummy and my husband and wife were at the grocery store and I may have pleaded for donut holes, ice cream, hot cocoa, cereal, and cookies. Honestly I should know better, because while my wife said no, my husband bought me everything. I made it through the pint of ice cream and a majority of the donut holes. He forgot to give me the cookies, so that saved me a little. My stomach has shrunk just enough that a binge doesn’t go quite as far at the moment. Let’s keep it that way.

My best friend checked in with me last night like she always does. She’s the absolute best and of course that’s an understatement. We discussed my binge and with her support I know I can continue with my progress and not let this episode hinder me in the long run.

I ordered a couple “spirituality” books from the library. We’ll see if they help me any.

This morning I woke up and felt better throat-wise, and after making sure to run through everything my clients need, I went by my house to weigh in for a Spark team and see my furbabies. (I've gained 3.4 lb since Wednesday.) My husband woke up to give me hugs then fell back to sleep on the couch. After I wandered around the house for a bit, I tucked him back in bed. I went to the gym and walked on the treadmill (with an incline) for 40 minutes. It’s just too damn hot to live right now, I swear. No outdoor exercise except for the pool and even then only during certain hours.

So, I honor the progress I have made. I learn from my mistakes and I move on. It doesn’t do to dwell. I am strong. I survived in-patient hell; I can surely survive binge cravings. And thank you Spark teams for giving me focus.
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