I am really struggling at the moment. Sometimes it seems like everything will go well and I hit the 330's and wham a wall will go up and I backslide back to 340's and I wish I had a good excuse but I don't. It's all about bad eating habits. I have been on a parade of take out food for around 2 weeks and it's definitely caught up with me. I have gained 5 pounds, I am not proud of it and I have nobody to blame but myself with the high carb choices I have taken in.
Sometimes the family surrounding you becomes like a war zone of bad choices and filling your head with sure you can have this or that. You buy into that and eat, eat, eat until you get on the scales and are left with what you have undone to yourself. You can make alot of excuses for yourself but honestly nobody else ordered that food or put it in your mouth but you. I have always struggled with the 330's and I do not know why it's those numbers specifically that are the hardest for me.
I wish I could say I magically feel better for dropping 50 pounds but I don't. I still feel old and uncomfortable and working out is still a huge struggle for me. This year has been so hard in general and living with and accepting my mom is dying of cancer is the hardest thing I have had to come to terms with in any small way. I know what her outcome will be, but you are never ready to lose your parents. I suppose my parents represented my safety net and I do not know who I am without that in my life or being some cosmic force in my life. Sometimes I feel like I have started this weight loss journey too late in my life to effect real change on my body or my health.
I am fully aware that my body and skin will not bounce back from weight loss and I have done irreversible damage to many parts of my body and YES there will be loose skin, it cannot be avoided at this point in my life. Those things are hard to accept as well. Each time I look in the mirror I do not like what I see, and will weight loss even change that for me? I really don't have the answer to that right now.
The other day I tried to do a taebo classic workout DVD and I majorly failed, I had done taebo in my 30's so many times and it made me feel powerful and I was on the road to effecting change in myself but at the time I was listening to the ramblings of my ex-husband and let all that get in my head. I am not sure why a degree of men cannot or will not be supportive of women trying to effect change in ourselves. But more to the point I could only do around 5 minutes of that workout and I could not go on and I had to realize I am not physically capable in this moment to do that. So I moved on to something else. I have a collection of workout DVD's. I used to think I may be just a collector of them sitting on a shelf gathering dust.
When I understood my current finances about going back to the gym and realized that was not part of my immediate future anytime soon. I started going thru those DVD's and while it's true you CAN workout at home, but their are certain limitations to that. I miss going to the gym, it's the whole experience of it and somehow I need to try and transfer that feeling and discipline into working out at home for now.
I do not feel I have the support of anyone in this journey, and perhaps one cannot have that when they embark on this journey of your own. Because you have to learn to depend on yourself entirely and hold yourself accountable for the things you do, as well as the choices you make for yourself. Sometimes I feel like things are sailing along well and that old familiar feeling of anxiety starts tapping on my shoulder asking....."remember me?, I am still here to control what you do" you cannot cure anxiety, you can overcome and manage it but I don't believe you can cure that in yourself.
I made a choice over 2 years ago to manage my anxiety without medication, because I gained over 100 pounds on the common medications for it. I have to somehow learn to overcome my triggers better and my triggers seem to be physical symptoms that make me panic or feel the fight or flight response.